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Christian News: Dover Disaster Watch




Cue tympanies! Bring in the haunting cello strings… aaaaand finish with the snare drum roll.

Right, now…cut to our anchor!

This is Hugh Smiley with the Fundamentalist Broadcasting Network. We bring to you breaking news from our Minister of Information, Marion “Pat” Robertson, in reaction to events in Dover, Pennsylvania. After residents of the seemingly bucolic, normal, straight town of Dover voted overwhelmingly to replace advocates of creationism on the school board with a slate of candidates opposed to the teaching of creationism as science, Pat Robertson gave God a phone call and had this to report on their conversation:

“I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God. You just rejected him from your city, and don’t wonder why he hasn’t helped you when problems begin.. just remember you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, then don’t ask for his help, because he might not be there…. Our spiritual actions have consequences and it’s high time we started recognizing it. God is tolerant and loving, but we can’t keep sticking our finger in his eye forever. If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them.”

Well, you’ve heard it from God’s spokesman. Now it befalls us to wait and wonder: what fate lies in store the previously fair city of Dover? How will God wreak his mighty revenge?

Will it be flutes up the bottom?

A plague of carnivorous sparrows?

Or…really bad weather?

A quick check of our DeaconDopplerRadar shows sunshine, mild winds, and moderate temperatures for the season in southeastern Pennsylvania. Is this God’s way of saying he likes Charles Darwin after all? Or is this just the calm before The Deluge? The Almighty is mighty sneaky that way.

Stay tuned, fair Christian fundies one and all. Dover Watch continues!

10 comments to Christian News: Dover Disaster Watch

  • Tom

    Robertson is no more Christian than Al Capone or George Bush. Like he can tell what God (“as if”)
    has planned for anything – including his own imminent death! More moronic behavior from “God’s spokesman” – i’m surprised he’s not calling on Christian brown-shirts to go to the town and set those people straight! What would Christ bomb? How can this type of ignorance have so much of a following and be so economically successful? i don’t get it.

  • Mike

    It seems to me that Pat Robertson could benefit from some serious psychotherapy. His statements of late seem to be getting more and more bizzare, even by fundamentalist Christian standards. I work daily with several people who have strong funamentalist beliefs (patience and tolerance are necessary on all our parts), and even they seem to think that Robertson is going way over the line in his commentary, and seems to be “off the rails”, so to speak…I really couldn’t tell the difference, myself, but I’ll take their word for it…

  • Tom, sorry, but you don’t get to declare who’s a Christian and who’s not. Just because you don’t like what Robertson and Bush do doesn’t give you the right to excommunicate them from the Christian religion. They are Christians, and it seems to me that the Christian religion has a lot of soul searching to do about that.

    As for questioning how Pat Robertson’s insane fury can get so much of a following, I’m really not surprised about it at all. It’s like with the Nazi rise to power. Americans used to be able to naively ask, “How could it have happened?” Now, we’ve seen too much all around us in parallel to the Nazi rise to power to need to ask. People love to believe ugly things when those ugly things make them feel personally powerful.

    Now, a big portion of Christianity is using that love of ugliness to promote itself. In the meantime, the Christian Left sits on its hands quietly and says “Oh dearie me” about it, holding discussion meetings and taking six months to write mission statements. Time for the Christian Left to get off its ass and do something about the Christian Right, or to accept that Christianity is coming to deserve the bad rap.

  • Ralph

    Well, JClifford, Tom’s a Christian. Christians going back to the very dawn of the religion take it upon themselves to decide who does and does not get to call himself a real Christian. It’s what they do, so why can’t he do it?

    On the one hand, you’re saying, “You don’t get to say who’s a real Christian,” and on the other you’re telling him he better get off his ass and fight the fundamentalist nuts while there’s still such a thing as a liberal Christian. Why should he do it with one hand tied behind his back?

    If Tom understands the teachings of Jesus in a certain way, and thinks Pat Robertson is going against those teachings, why not claim he’s not a Christian?

    On the other hand, Tom, don’t come telling people who are sick and tired of getting screwed over by self-professed “Christians” not to judge Christians on the basis of Robertson. It’s just not going to fly. Robertson is the most prominent face of Christianity in America, and the loudest voice of American Christianity in the world.

    Liberal Christians have got to take a break from singing koombaya long enough to denounce demagogues like Robertson a lot louder, a lot more frequently, and a lot more publicly if they want to make it clear he’s not speaking for American Christianity.

    How long do American Christians think they can go without taking out trash like Robertson before it stinks up the whole house?

  • […] Then, Pat Robertson got angry, and warned the people of Dover, “You just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, then don’t ask for his help, because he might not be there.” […]

  • Sarge

    The willingness of people to accept things like Robertson’s statements isn’t surprising. Disturbing, yes, surprising: no. People say they “need an anchor” or (more usual) people like us here in this forum “need a brake on them.” Saw a good example on the 11th. At one of the ceremonies I played at there was a speaker who began by instructing us all to say “The Pledge”. And he insisted that everybody say the “most important part” which, he shouted angrily, was “under god’. And there was a diatribe about how the atheists were “taking god away from the rest of us”. There was more, but you get the idea. Most people were nodding their heads in angry agreement with him. “Liberty and justice for all” is apparently pretty small potatoes, really insignificant.

  • Hagatha

    So, if not allowing these Christian fundamentalists translates as taking God away from them, then that means that God is the divine incarnation of a forced march.

  • Ralph

    OK, Hagatha.

    Don’t “take away God” from Christian conservatives and their agenda. It’s God’s agenda to ridicule, humiliate, and ostracize homosexuals. It’s God’s agenda to reject reason and teach junk science. It’s God’s agenda to rape and plunder mother earth because, hey, the holocaust is coming any day now. It’s God’s agenda to condemn every Jew, Hindu and Confucian to eternal suffering because they get God’s name wrong when they pray. By all means, don’t “take God away” from any of this garbage.

    Wouldn’t want you to “force march” the poor dears. So by all means embrace this fascist, vindictive, idiotic perversion of a God. But don’t be surprised when people smell the stink of this garbage in American Christianity, and avoid the whole thing altogether.

    Liberals are bailing on liberal Christian churches across America. Liberal Christians sit around and wonder why, then reject the answer when they’re told. It’s sad to see liberal Christianity die this way, after all it’s accomplished in the past. But if you refuse to clean house, stick a fork in you, you’re done.

  • Bill Curtis

    I was born and raised a Roman Catholic and am so far still a memember in good standing.
    My fromer wife a “born again” tell’s me I’m not a christian as I have not been saved!
    I’m unsure if I should laugh are her lunacy or be disguested by her idioticy! In either
    even I loose anyway, so I don’t bother. Pat Robertson stands of the fringe of getting
    himself thrown out of the ministry he helped build. Ceasar said, “Power corrupts and
    absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Years ago when I asked my step son why he was getting
    failing grades in school his answer was, “What does it matter the world is coming to an end
    anyway in the Rapture!” Nonsense his mom filled his head with about relligion took years for
    him to unlearn! When any religion, Christianity, Islam, Jewdism, Hinduism, etc., overides
    common sense it becomes a problem, witness Iraq/Iran today. I lived and work in Saudi Arabia
    for 3 years, I asked at least 50 or so muslims why they hated the Jews so bad? Not one of
    them could give me any type of logical answer. The fact is they were raised to hate not only
    the Jews but American’s as well. The problem therefore boils down to how we view our own
    culture heritage. If our parents and grandparents hated the Jews then chances are we will
    hate the Jews. That happens because people are taught not to learn anything about other
    cultures, I was taught if I went into a church of any other religion it was a mortal sin and
    I would be sent directly to hell! I got sick of that very young and started thinking for myself.
    Phooey on listening to idiots like Robertson’s, Schuler, Baker and the rest of these self
    appointed Messiahs. God gave me a brain to use and its up to me to use it wisely.

  • […] You may recall from earlier this week that popular fundamentalist televangelist Pat Robertson has been predicting God’s destruction of Dover, Pennsylvania in revenge for their election of a slate of pro-science candidates to the school board. […]

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