BBC News reports that Ram Bomjan (aka Ram Bomjon aka Ram Bahadur Bomjon aka Buddha Boy) has abruptly disappeared from the woods of Bara, Nepal. Nobody seems to know exactly what’s happened. His handlers say they’re not sure, but they think maybe he went further into the woods somewhere or other to meditate more deeply. The police are pretty sure he hasn’t been abducted. Conspiracy theorists in Utah say a Raelian spacecraft may have been involved. The White House denies responsibility.
To recap, Ram Bomjan is a 16-year-old boy born and living in the village of Ratnapur who allegedly is in the process of transforming into the next incarnation of the Buddha. It has been claimed that the so-called â€œBuddha Boyâ€ has been sitting under a pipal tree in uninterrupted meditation, not moving since it all started during the month of May 2005. Bomjan’s handlers say he hasn’t had a thing to eat or drink for the past ten months, and yet he has apparently neither shrunk nor shriveled in any sort of morbid way. The handlers won’t let regular visitors come closer than 82 feet, and let a special observing team only come as close as 16 feet. The team’s major finding: they saw his chest rise once in thirty minutes.
Let us examine, oh questioning souls, the evidence at hand:
No access any closer than 16 feet.
Chest rises once.
Gone away now for a little while.
After much scientific consideration and a trip to the loo, I have concluded that there is only one explanation for all of this:
Ram Bomjan is a mannequin.
Mannequins don’t have to eat.
Mannequins don’t have to drink.
Mannequins don’t move.
Mannequins look pretty realistic as long as you don’t get up really close.
Every year or so, you’ve got to take mannequins down and give ‘em a good scrubbing to remove dust and keep the paint from flaking. That’s where “he” is now. And hey, now that I think of it, those mannequins in Lord and Taylor look pretty enlightened to me. Their clothes are tacky, but what does that mean to the enlightened?
Some of you may say there is a flaw in my conclusion: a team of investigators did see his chest rise once. Can mannequins do this? To you unbelievers, I say these two words: Ferris Bueller. Enough said.
Yes, my investigations make it quite clear that Ram Bomjan is a mannequin. But what are we to make of that other, as-yet unmentioned Bomjan element of mystery: the hair?
Photographic evidence reveals that, over the course of ten months, it appears that the hair of this Ram Bomjan mannequin has, indeed, grown. How can this be? What nefarious development could possibly explain a hair-growing mannequin?
A quick trip out of the mall’s Lord and Taylor and toward the food court for some bourbon chicken revealed the answer. Staring out from the window of KB Toy and Hobby was a chia pet. A chia pet! Now everything fell quickly into place. Ram Bomjan is “placed” beneath the pipal tree. Time passes. Nothing happens. It rains. Bomjan’s “hair” grows. More time passes. It rains again. Again, Bomjan’s hair grows!
The answer, therefore, is not that Ram Bomjan is the latest incarnation of the Buddha. Neither is Ram Bomjan entirely human. No, Ram Bomjan is something else entirely. Something strangely unique even in this modern world. My investigations make clear beyond a reasonable doubt that Ram Bomjan is some form of Mannequin-Chia Pet hybrid.
With this mystery resolved, my only remaining question is whether I can get my son one for Christmas. Are operators standing by?