While on plane flying to Des Moines last night, I spotted someone reading the April issue of Seventeen Magazine over in the next aisle. On the cover of the magazine was the headline, “How to Spot a Fake Person”. I asked the young girl reading the magazine if I could borrow it from her to read the article. She looked at me with a face full of skeptical disdain, but handed it over.
I was disappointed. It turns out that the article was not at all about how to spot a fake person. Instead, the article just warned young readers how they can tell when a person is being disingenuous. That’s not quite the same thing.
I think that young Americans need to be prepared for all the little troubles that life sends their way. So, I have prepared the following list of Seventeen Ways to Spot a Fake Person.
1. UPC symbol on the back of the neck
2. Gets sick and dies two weeks after its warranty expires
3. No nose hairs
4. Constantly refers to itself as a “person product”, not a person
5. Decorates the house with fake plants
6. Instead of going home to sleep, refers to going home to download new system software
7. Drinks motor oil
8. Has no computer or cell phone, but constantly flips up its palm to “check email”
9. Seems to have a beeping noise coming from within its elbow
10. Watches The Terminator every night
11. Never goes to the Doctor, but has an annual checkup at the garage
12. When you say, “I’m feeling drained,” gets you an extension cord
13. Says its ethnicity is Motorola
14. Refers to Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation as one of “my people”
15. At your kid’s birthday party, goes up to your child, says, “Say cheese!” and then blinks really fast
16. Refers to Popular Mechanics as pornography
17. Describes its nightly habit of star gazing as “participating in SETI”