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Underwear to Be Banned on Airplanes

When a man attempted to blow up an airplane using matches and explosives hidden in his shoes, matches were banned on commercial flights. Ever since, shoes have had to come off to go through the security scanning machine.

Now that terrorists have been caught plotting to use chemicals in liquids, gels and creams to create lethal explosions on airplanes, passengers are banned from bringing drinks or any other liquids on board airplanes. Things like toothpaste and lipstick are also forbidden.

This morning, another terrorist plot was discovered in Alberta, Canada. A terrorist cell from that province had devised a way to incorporate explosives in elastic. So, passengers are now being required to hand over all items that include elastic elements to Homeland Security agents before boarding an airplane. Bungee cords and rubber bands are obviously banned, as are those hair scrunchies that little girls like to put into their hair. Items of clothing that include elastic material are also to be banned, most notably sweatpants and underwear.

“We understand that it will be difficult for many people to travel without any underwear,” an administrator with the Department of Homeland Security said, on condition of anonymity. “But, we’re talking about defending the Homeland from evildoers, and sacrifices must be made. Americans need to decide. What do you really want: You underwear or your life?”

10 comments to Underwear to Be Banned on Airplanes

  • Jim

    Considering that mothers may have to drink their own milk at check-in in order to prove they aren’t terrorists, your satire actually isn’t that far off!

  • Mark

    I can see it coming: “Nude Airlines: Guaranteed Security”. You can take absolutely nothing with you on board. EVERYTHING must be in your checked baggage. This way there is no way that a terrorist could be hiding anything.

  • Tom

    Not so fast Mark. What about spontaneous combustion?
    On another note, has anyone seen even a shred of evidence that this was a real threat and not something that MI-5 and the Bush administration cooked up at the behest of Karl Rove? It would be just so convenient if this group of “terrorists” was found to be funded by or actually from, oh Iran, Syria or Palestine, say. Then, what do you know? We’re off to an expanded theater of war! (And, we won’t need elections since the emporer will declare himself the only way to victory.)

  • anonymous

    A woman once went to her American embassy in some remote country and tried to convince the officials that she had given birth and needed a passport for her newborn. ‘Can you express some breast milk’ they asked her. She did and they issued a passport.

    Security in U.S. airports is a joke. If you ask to have your camera examined by hand, they ask to see your shoes. (In all fairness, the last time I flew, everyone’s shoes went through the X-ray machine.) The worst airport is still Logan, where several of the 9/11 terrorists boarded. I do not feel safe flying out of Logan; next time I will go through Manchester,N.H.

    The best airport security I have ever seen was a remote town in Ethiopia, 40 km. from the Sudan border. Most airport machines I can walk though without my metal glasses triggering any alarms, but I triggered everything they had. I was asked to step into a curtained booth where a tiny young girl with a serious expression that made me sure I would never, ever want to mess with her(the Logan idiots would do well to copy that expression)went over me with a wand. Wouldn’t you know it, my underwire bra had triggered her device and she had to satisfy herself that it was indeed just underwear. She also had me open my travel alarm clock and demonstrate the flash on my camera’s flash attachment.

    My companion and I were both carrying open bottles of amber Tej, the local homebrewed honey wine. You can fly with it but not in a sealed container as the tej ferments continuously and can explode at altitude. You just shove a piece of napkin in the open neck to keep it from spilling. Sure enough, I had to drink some Tej for the security guard, before noon, no less, to prove it was not something explosive. You can believe I felt very safe getting on that airplane.

  • Fruktata

    Oh, yes, anonymous, I feel so “safe” when I get pushed around by “security” guards!

    This whole Homeland Security thing is just some kind of kinky fetish. Next thing you know, they’re going to make you put on nipple clamps and call them “master”.

  • Stryder

    You know, at Walmart (or most other department stores) you can buy a lettuce knife, it’s a knife about a foot long with a serrated edge made of acrylic which is used to cut lettuce so it won’t brown as fast as with a regular knife. Strap two to your ankles and walk right on board most any airplane. No metal, no detection. Yeah, airline security is a joke.

  • HareTrinity

    Wasn’t the breast milk thing covered in Moore’s film documentary? Not the shoes thing though, I wondered why I had to do that.

    Either way, I feel harrassed going through airplane security these days.

    My first abroad trip by myself was a few months ago, the Chicago security guards obviously thought I was suspicious, interrogated me so long that I missed my Chicago to San Antonio, TX, flight.

    4 hr wait at O’Hare airport.

    I get there, and guess what? Someone at TX walked in and collected MY luggage, without my permission, and without anyone even asking any questions!

    Luckily that person was my friend, but talk about an easy way to smuggle goods!

  • HareTrinity

    It’s even worse on some other country’s other airlines, though.

    Bird watcher friend of the family now, along with many others, avoids the cheaper bird watching airflights because there is heavy interrogation.

    They need to see the camera, hear some knowledge of birds, some details, more details, more proof, more details.

    Not just 20-40 mins of it, like 3-4hrs.

    Ouch.

  • Terry

    It just occured to me:

    There are many people in this world, who for various medical reasons must wear adult incontinent underwear, and let us no forget the numerous traveling toddlers wth leak proof diapers. Most of these products contain a chemical substance, that when in contact with water(Urine), consolidate into a gell which is then disposed of appropriatly and safely in some landfil where it will sit for about a thousand years.

    Now, do we expect our TSA officers to inspect our underwear and ask the wearers of such products to prove that the underwear is genuine and therefore safe, or must they surrender them and spend the whole flight sitting on the toilet?

    Or maybe I have inadvertantly given the terrorists a way to circumvent the inspection and restrictions on gels and liquids?

    I can see the headlines now “Exploding underlooms thwart security”. What next, fatal flatulance?

  • Jim

    Well said, Terry! Think about it: all you’d need is a lot of beans and a spark…

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