Now is the time for you to get your papers in order. Pay your library fines. Get right with your favorite fictional savior, because some time in the next 13 days, the terrorists are going to get you — and your little cockapoo, too.
See, on July 30, 2007, self-proclaimed terrorist intelligence expert Juval Aviv was quoted by Fox News and a variety of right-wing websites, asserting that “chatter” on the terrorist networks (channel 72, right after C-SPAN) had convinced him that a major terrorist attack in America against “six, seven or eight cities simultaneously” within “ninety days at the most.” Right-wing websites flogged this prediction during the first half of August, posting and reposting Aviv’s prediction to whip up a little bitty fear souffle. Funny thing, though, but they’ve gotten eerily silent. I can’t find a single right-wing website that’s passed on Juval Aviv’s “ninety days at the most” prediction since the middle of September. Have they realized that ninety days are going to pass soon without any of the promised terrorist attacks, deflating their authoritarian wet dreams? Are they embarrassed to be associated with this prediction? Or… have the terrorists gotten to them first? Yes, yes, that must be it. It’s part of the terrorists’ advance operations. They’re sneaking into the fighting keyboardists’ family rooms and disconnecting their keyboards in the middle of the night, so that no one will share the deadly truth!
Well, they haven’t gotten to me yet, so let me do the service: there are only 13 days left in Aviv’s window for that “major terrorist attack against six, seven or eight cities simultaneously.” There’s still enough time for you to run for the woods, but be sure to stop off at the Target first and get a megapack of toilet paper. And some dental floss! Even in a time of terror, Terror, TERROR, hygiene is crucial.