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The Virgin Mary Burned My Eyeballs! It’s a Miracle!

In Southwestern India, the Virgin Mary was doing her standard miracle routine, with honey and scented oils dripping all over statues of her owned by an innkeeper. People came. People worshipped the sacred oozings.

Then things got ugly. The Virgin Mary started burning the eyeballs of her worshippers. Someone reported that, if you stared at the sun for a really long time, the Virgin Mary would grant a holy vision of her. Believers swear that it’s true, but at last report, the physicians at one local medical clinic alone have reported 48 cases of photochemical burns on the retinas of patients who kept staring at the sun, waiting for the Virgin Mary to appear to them.

Maybe this is like that whole Abraham sacrificing Isaac on a pile of burning sticks thing. Maybe the Virgin Mary wants to know if her supporters love her enough to sacrifice their eyesight for her.

What’s a little photochemical burn in your eyeballs, after all, compared to a moment’s vision of the mother of Jesus? If you really believe a whole lot, you’ll go stare at the sun all afternoon while standing in a bucket of ice cubes, holding vines of poison ivy in your hands.

Do you itch? Are your toes frostbitten? It’s a miracle!

2 comments to The Virgin Mary Burned My Eyeballs! It’s a Miracle!

  • Jim

    Oh, come on, F.G.. Use your brain, would you? It’s entirely possible that the Virgin Mary looks like a photochemical burn.

  • Tom

    Indeed. After all what’s your eyesight when we’re talking about saving your soul! Or is it sole. Soil? Where’s my soul again? No, not in my back pocket. Um, i think it’s near the pituitary gland or something. i’ll have to google it in.

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