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McCain Pal Hagee Doesn’t Understand. God Hates Straight People!

John Hagee. Oh, that John Hagee. Republican presidential candidate John McCain values John Hagee’s perspective on the world so very, very much that he is not only “very proud to have pastor Hagee’s support,” he not only accepted John Hagee’s endorsement, he not only gave John Hagee a big old bear hug, but he actively sought, pursued and courted John Hagee for an endorsement.

What kind of a man is the man John McCain pursued and hugged so vigorously? What kind of a man is John Hagee? The kind who makes this sort of claim about the Wrathful Will of God:

All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are — were recipients of the judgment of God for that. The newspaper carried the story in our local area that was not carried nationally that there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades. So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing. I know that there are people who demur from that, but I believe that the Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment. And I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans.

There are some firm assertions in that statement:

1. The judgment of God is a very real thing
2. When you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment
3. All hurricanes are acts of God

If all hurricanes are acts of God, and if the judgment of God is a very real thing, and considering that hurricanes are events that are punishing to humans, then it’s fair to say that hurricanes are acts of punishment by God. They are the empirical reflection of God’s will — and that means we can empirically determine what God’s will is by looking at the empirical distribution of hurricanes.

The following are the numbers of hurricanes making a direct hit on the Atlantic states from the years 1851-2004:

Texas: 59
Louisiana: 49
Mississippi: 15
Alabama: 22
Florida: 110
Georgia: 20
South Carolina: 31
North Carolina: 46
Virginia: 12
Maryland: 2
Delaware: 2
New Jersey: 2
Pennsylvania: 1
New York: 12
Connecticut: 10
Rhode Island: 9
Massachusetts: 10
New Hampshire: 2
Maine: 6

The following is the percentage of the Atlantic states’ populations that identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual:

Texas: 3.6%
Louisiana: 3.1%
Mississippi: 2.3%
Alabama: 2.8%
Florida: 4.6%
Georgia: 4.3%
South Carolina: 3.8%
North Carolina: 3.4%
Virginia: 4%
Maryland: 4.4%
Delaware: 3.9%
New Jersey: 3.9%
Pennsylvania: 3.5%
New York: 4.2%
Connecticut: 4.5%
Rhode Island: 3.4%
Massachusetts: 5.7%
New Hampshire: 6.6%
Maine: 5.2%

If Hagee is correct that Hurricanes reflect the righteous punishment of God for transgressions against God’s will, and if he is correct that God disapproves of same-sex intercourse, then we ought to see a positive correlation between the percentage of a state’s population identifying as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and the number of Hurricanes hitting a state.

Actually, the correlation between these two variables is negative: -0.15. Expressed in words, this means that the states with a lower percentage of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals are the states that have been hit by hurricanes more often. Remember, “All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens.”

The conclusion is inescapable: God Hates Straight People!

Repent, John Hagee, Repent! Assuming you swing that way.

10 comments to McCain Pal Hagee Doesn’t Understand. God Hates Straight People!

  • Amen to that.

    Any straight ladies in the audience wishing to repent, give me a call… ;)

  • I’m straight and I hate myself, so it only makes sense that God would hate me too.

  • AT

    NO NO NO, GOD hates those who simply have lust in their hearts! Notice Texas gets hits with more hurricanes than any other state. Could it be that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are making everyone horny? Wait a minute.. maybe God really hates the Bushes – they’re from Texas! You should look into this more deeply.

  • Iroquois

    Oh, dear, no, it’s the cows. God prefers vegetarians. All those cows produce the methane that causes global warming.

  • AT

    Ok, I can see the logic. But if God hates global warming, then why did he tell all those church going republicans that there is no such thing?

  • Iroquois

    She didn’t. They lied. And you know the part in the Bible where it says if you live by the sword you die by the sword? Using global warming to wipe out church going Republicans who don’t believe in global warming is sort of a joke God likes to play–like poetic justice.

  • AT

    Hold on a minute there… Church going republicans don’t LIE, they make MISSTATEMENTS. There’s a fine line there.

  • Regga

    Well any time faggots are killed, (wrath of God or good ol’ fashioned truck dragging) its time to celebrate.

  • Jim

    You keep telling yourself that. As you do your dance try not to notice people edging away from you. Then ask yourself why you’re so alone.

  • Elle

    First and foremost, The Bush’s are not from Texas! They are just some more Yankee carpetbaggers come to prey upon the poor honest folk of Texas.

    Since Hagee’s church is in Texas, maybe he should start looking at the beam in his own eye, rather than the mote in his neighbors. I mean a lot of people refer to Texas as the buckle of the bible belt, full of good god fearing folk who know how to treat fags, commies and uppity dusky skinned sorts who don’t know their place.

    I would tell Hagee to get a clue, but then he wouldn’t know what to do with one if he got it.

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