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If Weather is the Instrument of God, God Hates Straights

It’s not just a one-time thing. It’s a pattern. If the fundamentalists are right about God, then God’s will is pretty clear: God loves same-sex marriage. God hates straights.

If we are to believe the likes of fundamentalist Christian leaders John Hagee and Pat Robertson and Stephen Bennett, God sends weather in judgment of peoples and nations, particularly in judgment of their marital and sexual practices.

When the Norwegians legalized same-sex marriage, did Norway suffer any sort of cataclysm? No.

When the Greeks performed their first same-sex marriage, did Greece get blasted by any disastrous weather pattern? No.

When the government of Uruguay legalized same-sex unions, was Uruguay beset by a hurricane, or floods, or twisting tornadoes of judgment? No.

When the state of Massachusetts legalized gay marriage in 2004, was Massachusetts blasted by the heavens? No.

When same sex marriages in California were declared legal, did California slide off into the ocean? No.

If you think about it, what states have been beset by floods recently? States like Iowa. Does Iowa permit same-sex marriage? No — and by fundamentalist theory has reaped God’s judgment for it. Who has been killed by weather events? Four boy scouts in Iowa. The Boy Scouts of America make a point of discriminating against people who are gay — and yet again by the fundamentalist theory of weather they have clearly reaped God’s judgment for it. If you take fundamentalist theology seriously, it is clear that God hates straight people.

Now, I imagine some of you are gasping right about now. How could you?, you’re thinking. How could you trivialize these deaths? But hey, man. Don’t harsh on my mellow. This isn’t the way that I think. I don’t think that those Boy Scouts died so God could enforce His Righteous Dogma. I’m just passing on the fundamentalist Christian theory of the universe. If you have a problem with the implications of fundamentalist thinking, take it up with the fundamentalists.

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