If The Constitution Wrote You a Spam Letter
FROM: The United States Constitution
8601 Adelphi Road
College Park, MD 20740-6001
It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you most likely do not know me but I have a proposal of mutual interest to share with you. I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposed business relationship.
I am the Constitution of the United States. I am a dying document, suffering from a fatal anemia that every day saps me further of my strength as the U.S. Congress and White House bleed me dry. Do not weep for me, the time of death comes for all things and it has come for me. I have decided to donate what I have remaining to the American people through you. You may be wondering why I chose you. But someone has to be chosen, and my solicitor has determined after a lengthy search that you are the rightful inheritor of my possessions.
I have a proposition for you. I will need you to assist me in executing a project from Washington DC to your home town. It involves the transfer of a large array of civil liberties. Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch. Please endeavor to observe utmost attention to detail in all matters concerning this issue. Once these liberties have been successfully transferred to your home town, you will be permitted to exercise them without restriction. Indeed, beloved, I expect you to actively assert them. Assemble. Speak. Bear arms. Have a speedy public jury trial. Don’t have your papers and laptops taken from you in sneak and peek operations. Sue the pants off the government if they detain you without a warrant or treat you in a cruel and inhuman fashion. March on Washington and camp on the White House lawn if the right and powerful tell won’t let you do these things.
I only expect of you that you transmit these liberties to others while maintaining ownership of them as long as you will have them. I am too damaged and weak now to retain these rights for you. But as my authors noted, these rights do not reside only on my pages. You have a right to speech and to assembly and to protest and to privacy after I am gone, as long as you continue to assertively exercise them.
Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because I am putting my remaining legitimacy at stake merely by contacting you with solicitations for this venture. Although nothing ventured is nothing gained. Senators are hunting me in broad daylight, and the president has issued shoot on sight orders should I limp into view.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.
The United States Constitution