Today, I got an unsolicited commercial e-mail from Patrick Sammon of Mammoth Advertising, a New York City firm specializing in “entertainment marketing initiatives.” What’s the word for unsolicited commercial e-mail? Gosh darn it, I forgot. Well, whatever it is Pam next door will be sure to remind me.
The point is, cher Patrick generously offered to supply me a two-minute and 30 second trailer, a couple of movie poster graphics and some high-resolution photographs for an upcoming movie in order for me to write an article on this blog praising that movie and increasing its “buzz” prior to release. The actual movie was not supplied for me to watch, evaluate or review; such content is unnecessary in today’s public relations whirlwind, after all. If I watch two minutes of a movie trailer, I can fake it easily enough. If I add in a few thumbnails from the movie itself, I can make it look as though I must have watched these scenes. Better yet, if I can stick a photo of the director and producer posing on set in their best approximations of thoughtful and intense, I can make it look as though I were on the set myself, getting that inside scoop. The poster and the trailer from cher Patrick at the Mammoth NYC PR firm can give me enough of a clue for emotional shading: a project graphic with strippers and flaming hip-hop dwarves suggests an insouciant tone in my fake review, whereas the use of shadow, dark tones and actual words suggests I should be somber, serious and prolix in my writing.
It’s all of a package, don’t you know. I get to pretend that Irregular Times is on the inside track and in the know, the PR firm gets its buzz for a movie, and perhaps a few more tickets get sold at the Bijou.
Since I actually haven’t seen the movie in question, I can’t give you a real review of this upcoming movie, so let me toss out a few bullshit cliches instead. This new release from the director of Yet Another Year in Provence and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is a tour de force, a brooding achievement that nonetheless offers occasional quirky glimpses into the dark comic genius of our troubled, misanthropic, reluctant hero. The on-screen chemistry between the two main stars turns on surprisingly well-realized character development, fleshing out what could otherwise be a rather flat Capraesque morality play. The must-see movie of the season! Two thumbs up, two elbows sideways, and two butt cheeks flapping in the breeze.
Or perhaps I could review the execution of the PR machine. Mr. Sammon, I had to sit through 15 seconds worth of annoying flash introductions on the website of Mammoth NYC before anything of substance actually came up. That’s so 2003. And hey, get some new servers with your Mammoth budget: it literally took me an hour and twenty minutes to download a two-minute and thirty-second trailer from your website. To return the favor, I’ll be sure to mention the title of this movie I’m supposed to generate buzz for, just as soon as I…