Ever eager to make America a more Biblical land, the American Family Association has finally given up on its project of reshaping Florida to look like Judea. There just weren’t enough backhoes. The AFA’s backup plan: to sell “the Original Christmas Cross” at a low, low price of just $82. There’s more than one of “the Original Christmas Cross,” actually, but each of the thousands the AFA sells is still “the Original Christmas Cross.” How could this be? Let us proclaim the mystery of faith!
Some of you may scoff that “the Original Christmas Cross” probably didn’t measure in at 5 1/2 feet high with “with 210 individual ultra bright lights.” Others may point out that the cross really figures in more around Easter time and not at Christmas. But that’s just Northeastern America-hating elite talk. Did you know that the Baby Jesus was actually born on a cross? Did you know that the Romans actually crucified people all year ’round? The cross is a symbol for all seasons! And what Roman centurion wouldn’t want this “Original Christmas Cross” handy? After all, it “assembles in just minutes! Includes simple instructions and requires only a screwdriver. The cross is compact when not in use. And of course, it’s weather-proof.” Who needs rusty old nails any more when you’ve got a good Phillips?
Thanks to the compact, weatherproof, screwdriver-friendly design, you can use this device again and again without worrying about wood rot or useless old nail holes, which is a really good thing considering the American Family Association’s hope that “the Original Christmas Cross” will (in addition to bringing in more shekels to the AFA’s coffers) “remind your friends, family, neighbors, and all who drive by your home, office, or church of the real meaning of Christmas.” The lights are just a means for drawing the eye to the main attraction. To finish off the display, practice your script. “Hey, Billy, how are you doing there? School’s going well? Goooood. How tall are you these days, Billy? Four-Six? That’s greaaaat. Say, would you help out your ol’ dad here a bit with his Christmas display? Just come over here and raise up your arms a bit. A bit higher. That’s gooooood. Now hold still for just a minute…”.