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Connie Mack Reveals Telepathic Mind Ray Technology for Homeland Security

In comments yesterday in Washington, DC, Republican congressman Connie Mack revealed his use of telepathic mind ray technology in service of Homeland security functions:

The men detained at Gitmo are terrorists. They seek to destroy our way of life, and have committed some of the most reprehensible crimes against our nation.

According to Carlina Davis, Special Projects Officer for Area 51, Representative Mack could not possibly make the blanket statement, “the men detained at Gitmo are terrorists” without extrasensory knowledge obtained through telepathy. “Typically in this country individuals are deemed to have committed ‘reprehensible crimes’ through some empirical means, usually involving a court with a jury and evidence,” Davis explained. “None of the above are present in this instance, which leads us to conclude that the Honorable Congressman from Florida has developed observational capabilities beyond the physical-temporal plane of this universe.” Asked to provide evidence to substantiate her claim of mind ray use in particular, Officer Davis responded that she could show a reporter if she wanted to, but that she didn’t want to.

Government officials have been asking Congressman Mack to visit the Department of Homeland Security assessments bureau for further testing, considering his revelation’s contradiction of previously available information. Indeed, of the original 775 detainees at Guantanamo, 530 have already been released. Of the remaining remaining 245, 60 have been cleared for future release from Guantanamo. Only 21 of the 245 have actually been charged with offenses in the military tribunals system set up to facilitate the production of charges and convictions without standards and rights afforded individuals under the system envisioned by the U.S. Constitution. “We would like Mr. Mack to share his findings and methods with us at his earliest convenience,” said a top White House staffer on condition of anonymity.

During the media gaggle held yesterday by Mack in a Capitol conference room, one reporter began to ask why, if Guantanamo detainees had committed “crimes,” they should not be prosecuted through the criminal system. Upon hearing this question, Representative Mack cocked his head to one side and touched his American flag lapel pin, from which could be heard a faint click. The questioning reporter shook her head for a moment before uttering the words “never mind” and wandering from the room.

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