Three months ago, I delivered the Word of God: He, in all His Grace and Glory, has determined that I should have a new spatula. In pursuance of His Will, He declared to me that He would reward all those who sent a spatula to me with Eternal Life in Heaven. But He also issued a threat that if no spatulas were delivered to me, the Dow Jones Industrial Average would fall below 8,000 by February of 2009, denying many elderly grandmothers their Florida vacation dividend money.
All the believers who subscribe so heartily in the validity of Pascal’s Wager really ought to be sending me a spatula. I mean, really, think of it. They could spend $15 and get me a spatula, then get eternal reward! If I’m wrong, then hey, what’s the big deal? They’re only out $15. If, on the other hand, they didn’t get me a spatula, not only would their 401K plans lose value (more than $15 for Dinesh D’Souza!), but they’d lose Eternal Reward in Heaven, too! Those of you who believe in Pascal’s Wager really should have sent me a spatula. It only makes sense, to the extent that Pascal’s Wager makes sense.
I shared the Word of God with you all:
But did you listen? No! I have received not one spatula. And look what happened! The Dow Jones Industrial Average did, indeed, fall below 8,000 points this month. It’s because of you and your spatular stinginess that this month, Edna Davis of Kamloops is going to have to buy the generic Cheerios that don’t taste quite as good.
I hope that guilt weighs heavily enough on your shoulders to motivate you toward kitchen-implement redemption. God tells me that it is not too late. Watch the video, write down my address, and send me your spatula… today!
OK, tomorrow. Today the Post Office is closed. But still.