Browse By

Defying God, Humanity Delivers Me No Spatula

Three months ago, I delivered the Word of God: He, in all His Grace and Glory, has determined that I should have a new spatula. In pursuance of His Will, He declared to me that He would reward all those who sent a spatula to me with Eternal Life in Heaven. But He also issued a threat that if no spatulas were delivered to me, the Dow Jones Industrial Average would fall below 8,000 by February of 2009, denying many elderly grandmothers their Florida vacation dividend money.

All the believers who subscribe so heartily in the validity of Pascal’s Wager really ought to be sending me a spatula. I mean, really, think of it. They could spend $15 and get me a spatula, then get eternal reward! If I’m wrong, then hey, what’s the big deal? They’re only out $15. If, on the other hand, they didn’t get me a spatula, not only would their 401K plans lose value (more than $15 for Dinesh D’Souza!), but they’d lose Eternal Reward in Heaven, too! Those of you who believe in Pascal’s Wager really should have sent me a spatula. It only makes sense, to the extent that Pascal’s Wager makes sense.

I shared the Word of God with you all:

But did you listen? No! I have received not one spatula. And look what happened! The Dow Jones Industrial Average did, indeed, fall below 8,000 points this month. It’s because of you and your spatular stinginess that this month, Edna Davis of Kamloops is going to have to buy the generic Cheerios that don’t taste quite as good.

I hope that guilt weighs heavily enough on your shoulders to motivate you toward kitchen-implement redemption. God tells me that it is not too late. Watch the video, write down my address, and send me your spatula… today!

OK, tomorrow. Today the Post Office is closed. But still.

7 thoughts on “Defying God, Humanity Delivers Me No Spatula”

  1. Fruktata says:

    Please God, give us until the day after tomorrow! Tomorrow is Presidents Day!

  2. buddhazed says:

    first of all god would not give eternal life for something as frivolous as sending a spatula or sending the money
    second even if you didn’t God would not ask for something to be sent for personal gain
    third even a blind man in a cardboard box could see that the dow jones was going to drop below 8000.
    finally stop declaring something of god that is not of god that is like declaring that bill gates is going to quit microsoft and give up all of his money to move to tibet.
    it’s something that is not going to happen and you dont mess around with any part of the holy trinity

    1. Jim says:

      Well, how do you know all that? Because some book told you?

      1. Buddhazed says:

        no first of all not “some Book” but the Living word of God

        second if you look at a person and watch what they do you learn about them
        This “some Book” reveals the identity of god in all his glory it shows you who he is and what he has done before you lean about him.

        third i don’t need “some book” to tell me what he wants he tells me himself. he is a living person who talks to me and walks with me. he is my father brother and friend all in one the father the son and spirit.

        so stop trying to get something out of nothing you have to work at it god wants you to get off your kiester spend some money and get it ourself you have to go and get it to have what you want.

        stop trying to use peoples fear to get what you want

        god bless you, god loves you, god keep you

        1. F.G. Fitzer says:

          It’s alive? If you wrap it in 10 layers of Saran Wrap, will it die?

          I have a living book. I left it out in the rain a few years ago…

        2. Jim says:

          Well, Buddhazed, if you’re RIGHT I guess you’ll do OK.

          But if you’re WRONG, then you’re going to HELL for not delivering me my spatula!

          I guess you don’t care about Hell enough to send me that spatula. Oh, well. That is your choice. Keep the chestnuts in your pockets for the roasting

  3. Nman Rockwell says:

    ouch! that one burns!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?

Fight the Republican beast!