I’ve written before about the tremendous waste that is the F-22 Raptor jet fighter. The airplane, which costs hundreds of millions of dollars, isn’t needed any more. During the long wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, it the F-22 hasn’t been used even one time. That’s because the F-22 was designed in the 1980s to engage in air battles against the Soviet Union’s fighter aircraft.
Engaging in air battles against the Soviet Union isn’t exactly high on the list of foreign policy priorities. Yet, some members of Congress are pushing for a new big batch of F-22 airplanes to be built.
Why? They say it’s important for jobs. People are employed at Lockheed Martin, a lobbyist-heavy military contractor, they say. If the US government didn’t spend billions of dollars making new F-22 airplanes that we don’t need, then those people might lose their jobs (and Lockheed Martin would lose a lot of money).
You know, I’m not in favor of people losing their jobs, but I’m also not in favor of people having jobs that are completely pointless. I believe that a job ought to have, you know, a job.
If we’re going to have people making military equipment that’s completely pointless, just so those people can have jobs, then let’s at least be a bit more creative about it. Instead of pretending that we still need Cold War instruments of death that cost hundreds of millions of dollars, let’s create a new generation of completely unnecessary military technology that doesn’t actually kill anyone.
That’s why, using the logic of Lockheed Martin’s cronies, I propose the creation of a fleet of an innovative new kind of weapon: The P-34 Lickbox Fighter!
The P-34 Lickbox Fighter, like the F-22 Raptor, will cost several hundred million dollars a piece. The creation of the P-34 Lickbox Fighter will also create tens of thousands of jobs across America.
But what is the P-34 Lickbox Fighter? It will be the first example of an entirely new concept in warfare: Confusion Combat. The purpose of confusion combat is to confuse the enemy into submission.
The P-34 Lickbox Fighter will be dropped into hostile territory in the middle of the night, to be activated by the light of dawn. Bullet proof and armored against improvised explosive devices, the Lickbox Fighter will upon first light sprout legs, and, using an artificial tongue 5 feet wide, lick every person it comes across, leaving them uninjured, but very wet.
When the Lickbox Fighter is subjected to an attempted attack, it will divide into 50 robots, each a few feet in height. These robots will quickly disperse, engaging in a random array of possible behaviors, ranging from blowing bubbles and making balloon animals to handing out lollipops to children while performing local folk dances. After a week of this kind of shock-and-awe attack, the enemy will have forgotten all about its military plans.
What? You’re not in favor of the P-34 Lickbox Fighter? Well, if the billions of dollars in funding for its development is not approved, tens of thousands of people will be put out of work!