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Swine Flu FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions on Which Your Very Survival Depends

What is the swine flu?

Swine flu (also called swine influenza, pig flu, pig influenza, porcine flu, porcine influenza, red candy or Mexico City Gold) is a virus causing fever, chills, body aches, numbness, fatigue and sleeplessness. Until its most recent outbreak, this virus has not been spread from person to person.

Why is this flu virus called “swine flu”?

The origin of the term “swine flu” for this current influenza epidemic is not necessarily descriptive but linguistic. In the traditional dialect of Spanish spoken near Mexico City, the pigs say “H1N1.”

Where did this strain of swine flu come from?

“Patient Zero,” the first known person to contract swine flu, has been identified as Edgar Hernandez, an individual also known to suffer from non-chronic infantile dwarfism. Mr. Hernandez resides next door to an industrial pig farm owned by the American corporate agricultural giant Smithfield Foods, and one in six of Hernandez’s neighbors living downwind from the pig farm have complained of flu-like symptoms within the past month. Lawyers for Smithfield Foods insist this is just an “unfortunate coincidence,” snort, cough, wheeze.

Why has the swine flu been more deadly in Mexico than in the United States?

Because we’re Number One. We’re Number One. We’re Number One. Hoooo. Hoooo.

Is the swine flu coming to where I live?

Thanks to the intervention of Michele Bachmann, the swine flu will avoid Minnesota. If you do not live in Minnesota, the answer is an unfortunate yes.

Can my dog catch swine flu?

If you sneeze without covering your mouth, and if your dog has quick reflexes, then yes, with training.

Is it safe to eat pork?

According to Elizabeth M. Ward, MS, RD, EZ, MT, as long as cuts of pork are uniformly heated to 160 degrees Fahrenheit, and any knives put on the table face away from the plate and toward the napkin, and not too much hot sauce is put on top, and everyone cuts their food into bite-sized pieces, and nobody brings up religion or sex or politics during the meal, then pork should be perfectly safe to eat.

Is it just a coincidence that the swine flu epidemic broke out in April, the 4th month of the year, and that Barack Obama is our 44th President, serving for 4 years with his family of 4 after being elected on November 4?

The Illuminati tell us the answer is yes.

Yesterday, I noticed that I have this funny little rash, over by my left elbow, and I was wondering…

Yes, it’s swine flu.

Because, you see, I also have an itchy scalp, and I thought…

That’s swine flu, too.

Really? Am I going to die?

Yes. You are definitely going to die.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh. Well, you didn’t have to be so blunt about it!

Was that a question?

What?

A question. You’re supposed to be asking questions.

Right. Well, did you have to be so blunt about it?

Not at all. I enjoy it.

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