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Obama Secrecy, Heralded Elsewhere


… Irregular Times News Digest … May 13 2009 …

No Detainee Photo Release: Pictures Make Government Look Bad

In breaking news today out of Washington, DC, President Barack Obama and his aides announced that, despite a federal court for the release of dozens of photographs of the ill-treatment of U.S. Government detainees, the photographs would not be released. Obama administration officials explained that the photographs would make the United States look bad. Information that makes the United States Government look bad makes foreigners angry, and angry foreigners will kill American soldiers. Only information that makes the United States Government look good is appropriate for release.

In other news today…

Civilian Death Reports to be Replaced by Images of Fluffy Bunnies in Afghan Newspapers

… announcing a cooperative effort by the American military and Afghan President Hamid Karzai to redact reports of civilian casualties. “Why increase stress and anxiety over matters that cannot be changed?” Karzai asked in an afternoon press gaggle. “Simply replacing civilian casualty notices with government-approved drawings of fluffly bunnies will go a long way to preserving good will.” …

Foreign Aid Report Goes Unpublished for Fear of Reprisal

… “when newspapers overseas publish charts showing a decline in American aid dollars, that’s just like painting a target on our soldiers’ backs,” explained a senior White House official who wished to remain anonymous. …

No Unemployment Data Release: Statistics Make Government Look Bad

… responded by reading a written statement by Labor Secretary Hilda Solis: “After due consideration, we have decided to discontinue the release of unemployment data until more positive, upbeat reports are made possible. Why issue a “wake-up call” to the American people when reports indicate they have built up a significant sleep deficit?” Secretary Solis responded to questions about the danger of news releases by making reference to stink bombs placed in the Microsoft executive washrooms shortly after the company informed reporters of impending layoffs….

Oil Leases To Remain Off Limits for National Security

… aides to Interior Secretary Ken Salazar insisted off the record that every time the text of an oil exploration agreement is released, somewhere an energy executive loses his home to enviroterrorist firebombs …

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