Obama's Middle Ground
Obama seeks middle ground on Guantanamo, reads the headline from Forbes, describing Obama’s justifications for continuing with George W. Bush’s plans to set up a separate, substandard system of justice to deal with people that American society has Obama to be guilty before actually being tried for their crimes.
Middle ground is reasonable, right? It’s just common sense to find the middle ground solution. Everyone knows that.
That’s why Barack Obama has chosen the middle ground between following the Constitution and not following the Constitution, between honoring his promises and not honoring his promises, between following the Oath of Office and not following the Oath of Office, between respecting the legal and human rights of people and not respecting the legal and human rights of people.
It’s so yummy, that middle ground, just like a dinner served to vegetarians that takes the middle ground between having meat and not having meat. We all know how happy they are with that, right? Or, how about having a chicken barbeque where the cook takes the middle ground between cooking the chicken and not cooking the chicken? Mmmmm, give me seconds!
Old historical arguments can be settled with the middle ground too. The Americans and the British, instead of disagreeing about which side of the road to drive down, can both agree to have everyone drive down the middle of the street.
The middle grounds brings people together in that lovely space called compromise, like when a thief and the person he is stealing from agree to compromise, and let the thief leave with half the stuff he was originally going to take. Happy times. Compromise is best, of course, when it happens between a man and wife, like when a husband compromises with a wife who wants to have a sexual affair with the nextdoor neighbor, and the couple agrees that she can just cheat every other day. Ain’t we got fun? We’ll find compromise with insurance companies too, so that cancer patients can get half of the chemotherapy they need, and diabetes patients can get half the insulin, and HIV patients get bottles full of medication, only half of the pills are actual medicine, and the other half sugar pills. Wellness!
Creationists and scientists can find middle ground, so that biology teachers instruct their students that all living things on Earth were created by God 6,000 years ago, but that God evolved from a bacteria. Industrialists and the EPA can find compromise, so that corporations dump just half of their deadly toxins into reservoirs of drinking water. Tree huggers and logging companies can come to a consensus, so that all the redwoods along the Pacific coast are cut straight down the middle, leaving the northern side of each tree standing, with the southern side harvested for toilet paper pulp and wood chips.
Thank you, President Obama, for showing us the wisdom of the middle way! I’m going to take this new philosophy to heart tomorrow, and go out in public with my shirt halfway over my head, and my pants around my knees… but only until noon, because I wouldn’t want to be absolutist or anything.