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Timeline of John Ensign Extramarital Affair

November 2003: Massachusetts Supreme Court declares the validity of same-sex marriage. Without noticing, Senator John Ensign stops telling his wife she looks pretty in the morning.

February 2004: San Francisco begins to issue same-sex marriage licenses. Senator Ensign asks a staffer on a date. She demurs. After declaring his opposition to same-sex marriage, Ensign loses interest in other women and begins sending his wife flowers every week.

May 2004: Same-sex marriages begin in Massachusetts. The flowers stop.

August 2004: California Supreme Court rules same-sex marriages in San Francisco are invalid. More flowers for Mrs. Ensign, plus a weekend trip together to Majorca.

2005: Smooches.

June 2006: John Ensign votes for Constitutional Amendment to ban same-sex marriage. Regular smooching escalates to heavy petting and a renewal of vows with Mrs. Ensign.

June 2007: Massachusetts legislature prevents a gay marriage ban from being placed on the ballot. Senator and Mrs. Ensign begin to squabble over finances and the kids.

August 2007: Iowa judge rules that Polk County must allow same-sex marriage licenses to be issued. John Ensign begins sleeping on the couch and spends more evenings at the office.

September 2007: Maryland Supreme Court rules that same-sex couples have the right to marry. Senator Ensign tells his wife that he is the new Chairman of the nonexistent Select Committee on Philately; supposedly attending “markup meetings,” Ensign begins to date campaign staffer.

April 2008: Concerned Women of America mounts a rally against gay marriage in Oklahoma City. Senator Ensign tells his mistress he can’t keep living a lie. She runs from his arms with tears in her eyes. John Ensign tells his wife the Philately Committee has been disbanded.

May 2008: California Supreme Court declares same-sex marriage to be legal and valid. Senator Ensign and his mistress passionately reunite after he tells Mrs. Ensign he’s going on an extended Delta-region fact-finding mission.

June 2008: Same-sex marriages in California begin. Senator Ensign and his mistress welcome a dog and a flock of ducks to their bachannals.

August 2008: A hiatus in extramarital sex. (No sex after Labor Day in Nevada)

May 2009: Blackmail

June 2009: Contrition

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Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?