Enter your email address to subscribe to Irregular Times and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 300 other subscribers

Irregular Times Newsletters

Click here to subscribe to any or all of our six topical e-mail newsletters:
  1. Social Movement Actions,
  2. Credulity and Faith,
  3. Election News,
  4. This Week in Congress,
  5. Tech Dispatch and
  6. our latest Political Stickers and Such

Contact Us

We can be contacted via retorts@irregulartimes.com

The Thirteenth Commandment: Shave The Head Of Your Sex Slave

There are many people in America today who consider the Bible to be the inerrant Word of God. There are moral consequences to this belief.

Those who believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God must attend when in Deuteronomy Chapter 8, Moses declares:

Know therefore that the LORD thy God, he is God, the faithful God, which keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his commandments to a thousand generations; and repayeth them that hate him to their face, to destroy them: he will not be slack to him that hateth him, he will repay him to his face. Thou shalt therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command thee this day, to do them.

That’s right: those who believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God must accept that God will keep covenant and mercy with those that keep his commandments to a thousand generations: 20 to 30 thousand years from the time of their declaration.

Those who believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God must acknowledge that in Deuteronomy Chapter 11, Moses declares “a blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you this day.”

Moses issued many commandments that day, commandments that the LORD demands be kept for a thousand generations. Here’s one. Deuteronomy 21:

When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, and seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her as thy wife; then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; and she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

Hear that? If you go to war and capture a beautiful woman, you can take her for sex without her permission and keep her forever, regardless of what she thinks. You just have to have her head shaved and wait a month. Then you can rape her.

And hey, just in case you were going to trot out some kind of new-fangled theology that isn’t actually in the Bible to explain this away, oh “Bible is the inerrant word of God” believers, remember that Moses said the LORD’s commandments he declared that day were to be followed for a thousand generations!

And remember what Jesus said. Matthew Chapter 5:

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or tittle shall nowise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven.

You don’t want to be that “whosoever,” do you? You don’t want to be called least in the kingdom of heaven, do you?

Just remember, you believers in Biblical inerrancy: when you take a beautiful woman captive as your sex slave, make sure to shave her head before you rape her!

13 comments to The Thirteenth Commandment: Shave The Head Of Your Sex Slave

  • le pelerin

    Jim, you are such a literalist!

  • ReMarker

    Hilarious!!
    A Biblical inerrancy believer’s “cross to bear” is getting heavier.

  • Good point, yet this might not be the best example of religious reductio ad absurdum. We don’t want to encourage the evangelicals to try this stuff at home.

    Meanwhile, ask any Blackwater mercenary. Do they shave their captives’ heads? Sure! To get rid of lice.

    Do they wait a month before raping them? Well, uh… not always… but they promise next time they will.

    I suggest we stick to the no-pig-meat rule. None of these lovely people will want to give up bacon.

  • Bible Thumper

    Jim, Where can I go to hear you preach? It sounds like you have great theological insight.

  • Jacob

    And we go round and round…

    Jim, you spend more time worrying about Bible stuff than many Christians…

    • Hoolio

      And we see that Jacob can’t offer a substantive reply…

    • Jim

      And isn’t that just the funniest thing?

      In the meantime, I spend less energy than many Christians in trying to turn “Biblical standards” into laws that restrict Americans’ freedom.

      People like you who believe in Biblical inerrancy must confront the implications of Biblical inerrancy before they go about quoting the Bible in their efforts to turn this country into a theocracy.

      • Jacob

        People like me??? I vote and post on Irregular Times… wow, I guess maybe I am a big hitter working to put in place a theocracy. You know, one piece of policy that I agree with does in fact mean theocracy.

        • Jim

          It’s not all about you, Jacob; you’re just one of many people proclaiming Biblical inerrancy in this country. As I said, People like you are indeed quoting the Bible and are engaged in a number of efforts to turn this country into a Christian theocracy. They’re running for President, they’re in Congress, they’re passing laws at all levels and working to pass various ballot measures.

        • ReMarker

          Jacob, you are to be applauded for wanting to “save” people’s souls. The problem is, many religions have the same kind of
          out-reach technique and many of us “lost souls” may want to find our own salvation. Based on personal experiences, I know I prefer to draw my own conclusions rather than defer to someone’s elses conclusions.

          Thanks anyway though.

  • MY Honest opinion

    Jacob, this is not the forum or context for you to be making any ground. I hope you are using this as an experience and not any form of measure of self. I am noticing that there is an extreme lack of focus to this conversation. In a matter of a few posts people have began to hold arguments with themselves. Literally implying someone else’s opinion and then mocking them as if they shouldn’t have said it…..although they didn’t. Perhaps if we gave each other some credit. Might I add that I find it a little bit perplexing that Jacob is basing his morals off of a religion that at the very least deserves the respect of lasting this long, where as Jim appears to be religiously associated to a country that is largely in existence due to that very religion. Perhaps Jim should be being questioned as to why he is following a country in the place of a religioon.

Leave a Reply

  

  

  

You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>