You have heard about the threat from swine flu, the dread disease that causes people to cough, and have headaches, and need to stay in bed for a couple of days. You have probably not heard, however, about the threat from flu swine.
“There is a nearly complete lack of flu swine preparedness in the United States right now,” explains Dr. Frank Bacon, lead researcher at the Centers for Controlled Diseases. He is part of a small but dedicated team visiting Washington D.C. in the hopes of speaking to members of Congress about the looming threat of porcine infection.
“It’s true that right now, pigs are non-infectious life forms that are several hundred pounds too large to enter the human circulatory system,” says Emelio Spighotti, the travel agent and baseball statistics expert for the team. “What most people don’t realize is that, with the right combination of mutations, swine could evolve the ability to disassemble into microscopic, single-celled versions of their current selves. Those new organisms would be prime candidates for the development of pathogenic characteristics. Pharmaceuticals companies have neglected to develop antibiotic medications that target pigs.”
“These mutations are a matter of when, not if,” advises Bacon. “People forget that a troop of monkeys left in a room with a typewriter will eventually write “A Tale of Two Cities”. That’s exactly what’s happening in today’s massive Midwestern pig farms, except that most farmers have computers rather than typewriters these days. Things have been made even worse by vegans, who, by refusing to eat pigs, have enabled swine populations to develop resistance to humans.”