If our top generals and television anchors only paid attention to the bumper stickers and buttons of the world, why, our nation wouldn’t be in such grave peril from the waves of Red Menace lapping at our shores. You think I jest? Open your window and lean your head outside. Can’t you hear the lapping, quiet but insistent? Lap, lap, lap. Let us tap into their wisdom to discover the…
Top Ten Signs Your Friend is a Communist
10. Your friend is popular. Stalin was popular, and Stalin was a communist. Aha!
9. Your friend recycles. Is pinko glass #3 or #5? I can never remember.
8. Your friend is a community organizer. Clipboard? Commie. Wait, doesn’t the John Birch Society do canvassing? Shocking!
7. Your friend supports freedom of speech. Typical repressive ideology.
6. Your friend stops broadcasting Friends and Seinfeld. Media rationing, bread lines, no soup for you!
5. Your friend is a deposed aristocrat who wears green and steals money to ransom a king.
4. Your friend wishes he had a major-league baseball team in his neighborhood.
3. Your friend sits on the board of directors of Wal-Mart. There’s nothing redder than plastic bowls made in sweatshops.
2. Your friend is a billionaire hedge fund manager. Some of our needs are a whole lot higher than others.
1. Your friend uses open-source software. What’s next? Lending libraries?