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Wanna know FBI Domestic Spying Program’s New Name? BITE ME!

And I write that in the nicest way. The FBI admitted two weeks ago that it has been engaging in a newly expanded effort to covertly spy on innocent Americans, but insisted that Americans not call it “spying,” because gosh darn it, “spying” is not a nice word. Words that aren’t nice make the FBI nervous.

The only thing to do when FBI insists on Orwellian thinking is to do the Orwellian naming ourselves. And so we opened a contest, asked for suggestions for the name of this new not-spying FBI spying program, and opened up the suggestions for a vote. The winner of our contest:

BITE ME: Best Improved Terrorist Employee Monitoring Effort

I hesitate to think of what the FBI’s next “improvement” might be, but nonetheless I see great possibilities for this name in the future. In just one example, when a local Unitarian group holds a rap session on Middle East Peace and wants to confront suspected undercover agents, they can turn to the guy with the crew cut wearing love beads and ask, “BITE ME?” If we can get this name into the common parlance, said agent will either have to obfuscate or shrug and respond, “Yeah, BITE ME.”

Kevin, you are the winner. Send us an e-mail at “retorts” with any mailing address in the U.S. whatsoever and we’ll send a free Fourth Amendment Button to that address post haste via the postal service (FedEx and UPS donate to the national security goons, don’t you know). Congrats.

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