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How I Survived The Weekend Without God

Barry C. Black is a government employee. He is the official priest of the United States Senate, and is paid to conduct religious rituals by American taxpayers, in spite of the First Amendment to the Constitution, which says that Congress isn’t supposed to do anything to establish religion.

Details, details, details. It seems that when it comes to matters of religion, the U.S. Senate’s priest doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to the details.

On Friday, Barry C. Black stood up in front of the Senate and conducted one of his religious rituals, a morning prayer in which he declared, “Our Father, we bow in Your sacred presence to acknowledge our need of You. We can do without many things, but without You we can’t live.”

We can’t live without the Christian god? Really? According to two separate studies this year, the American Religious Identification Survey and a survey by Gallup, fewer Americans than ever are Christians, and more Americans than ever identify themselves as non-religious.

Yet, they survive! How can this be so?

When I heard Barry C. Black’s pronouncement on Friday, I was scared. “I’m going to die,” I thought. But, Monday is here, and I’m still alive. Let’s document how I made it through a weekend without the Christian god.

– Friday evening: Fish sticks for dinner. Snuggled in with the wife for a movie
– Saturday morning: Made the kids pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Did yard work.
– Saturday afternoon: Nap. Got a solstice tree.
– Saturday evening: Watched a juggler at a winter festival. Decorated the tree.
– Sunday morning: Had doughnuts and coffee for breakfast. Read the news.
– Sunday afternoon: More yard work. Playing with the kids.
– Sunday evening: Watched a television show about dinosaur physiology. Fell asleep halfway through.

Follow my example, nonbelievers, and you may live to see another day. Eat doughnuts! Do yardwork! Dinosaur physiology! Hop to it!

9 thoughts on “How I Survived The Weekend Without God”

  1. Jacob says:

    “You are the Lord, you alone. You have made heaven, the heaven of heavens, with all their host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them; and you preserve all of them; and the host of heaven worships you”

    You dont have to believe in Him for Him to sustain you.

    Even if you dont believe in oxygen it is still the force that keeps you alive when you breath

  2. F.G. Fitzer says:

    I am the lord, me alone? The lord of what? Do I get a castle?

    Are you quoting Oprah Winfrey again?

    You are sustained by a giant invisible octopus, whether you believe it or not. Can I make a speech about that in front of the United States Senate?

    1. Jacob says:

      I dont see why you couldn’t. You should run for office and find out. Once you have the platform you can say whatever you feel is necessary

  3. le pelerin says:

    How about getting a detail right. Barry C. Black is not a priest.

    1. F.G. Fitzer says:

      I was actually thinking about that while writing the article, and chose to use the word “priest” in the largest sense, as a word used for a religious official. In the largest sense of the word, he is a priest.

  4. le pelerin says:

    A priest offers a sacrifice.

  5. le pelerin says:

    Prophecy here. F.G.Fitzer will raise kids believing the dogma of atheism. Kids will then meet down to earth people who are honest, fun, loving, hard working. These people don’t hate. When other people are in the hospital or in jail, these people visit. When neighbors need something, these people volunteer their time selflessly. Did I mention these people believe in God? Yes they do. Kids now have questions Dad can’t answer. Kids want to have the peace these people have. Then one will become born again. Oh no, one even becomes a catholic christian. Dad has nightmares.
    Dad brings kids into this world. Kids bring Dad into next.

    1. F.G. Fitzer says:

      Already not happening in the important respects, but thanks for playing predict the past.

      I just LOVE the way you’re equating Christianity with being a good person, LP. Nice touch.

    2. Jim says:


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