A clear vision of the benefits of heightened Homeland Security came yesterday in Bakersfield, California, where an entire airport was put under a security lockdown for hours when a gardener attempted to bring a liquid substance through a security checkpoint. The liquid substance? Honey – the stuff Winnie the Pooh likes to eat.
Particularly revealing was the way that two security guards, upon opening a jar of honey, said they detected a “chemical” odor (honey is, like all matter, made up of chemicals), were overcome with nausea, and had to be rushed to the hospital. That’s what the Homeland Security line of defense amounts to – people who faint at the smell of honey.
It’s not just the human component of Homeland Security that failed, though. An expensive machine designed to detect the chemical signature of explosives concluded that the honey consisted of both TNT and the explosive triacetone triperoxide. The honey actually contained neither substance, but was comprised of… honey.
Of course, there is an alternative explanation: That the Transportation Security Administration employees at the Bakersfield airport detected a previously unknown terrorist cell operated within the borders of the United States… by militant honeybees. They hate us for our Nutrasweet.
Does anyone want to take on a hundred dollar bet that Barack Obama does not make a speech in front of the White House press corps declaring that the interference with Americans’ travel by Homeland Security agents who don’t know the difference between honey and a terrorist attack “is not acceptable”, and will not be tolerated? I’ll offer you 2-1 odds on your side of the bet.