Kris Sickles: Warrior for Christ and Hookers for 3 Year Olds?
Something does not add up in the case of Kristopher “Kris” Sickles, the “Pale Horse” of the Hutaree Nine.
On the one hand, Kris Sickles is alleged to be a warrior for Christ. Although fundamentalist Christians are loudly complaining that the adjective “Christian” is being associated with the Hutaree group that allegedly made very specific and near-term plans to kill police officers, there’s good reason to use the adjective Christian. The group chose the name “Hutaree” because it means “Christian Warrior”. The Hutaree website proclaims that “We are to be Christian soldiers.” Its self-declared mission: “Preparing for the end time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive.” The group declares itself to be the “armour of God” in the face of “the rise of the Anti-Christ.” If that’s not enough to convince you, how about the declaration, “We are an Independent unit, subject to GOD’s laws and guided by the testimony of JESUS!!!!!!”
Yes, the Hutarees put their Christianity at the center of what they do. That’s on the one hand.
On the other hand, the same Kris Sickles (see his photo upon capture here) is part of “Stoned Loser Productions,” a set of people who make online movies. Kris Sickles stars, for example, in Rick and Bob are dead. His character, named “Kris Sickles,” starts off the movie like this:
[Chad sits on the toilet and takes a hard crap. Kris Sickles pulls a gun on Chad while hiding in the shower.]
Kris Sickles: You son of a bitch!
Chad: Well, if it isn’t old Sergeant Hard-Nuts Kris Sickles!
Sickles: You remember me good.
Chad: Yeah. I imagined I’d see you here some day!
Sickles: You still got it. Nice to see you, you old son of a bitch, you! Ha, ha. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I got a kid now!
Chad: What? A kid? Where’d you find one of those? Come here, little feller! Yeah, that’s your uncle Chad. Hey, boy! Hey, you got a wide one!
Sickles: Let’s go get some hookers!
Chad: Who loves hookers? Oh yeah, you little man! Little man love hookers!
Sickles: I got him his first one when he was three!
Chad: Ha, ha. A late bloomer, huh?
Sickles: Hey, man.
Chad: Sergeant Sickles! Oh, man, I forgot my army handshake!
Sickles: Good deal. You crazy son of a bitch, man.
Chad: No, no, no. You, sir, are the crazy son of a bitch!
Sickles: That one time in Cambodia?
Chad: Ho, ho, ho!
Sickles: That was all you, brother!
Chad: Who thought that much dynamite would fit in a pig’s ass?
Sickles: Ha, ha, ha, ha. We’ve got a few stories, brother. Let me fuckin’ tell ya!
Chad: Dark stories, but stories nonetheless.
Sickles: Stories that’ll make you wake up in a cold sweat at 3 in the morning and choke your wife because you swore she’s a VC prostitute!
Sickles: Listen, I’m gonna cut right to the chase! The general called.
Sickles: I know what you’re gonna say!
Chad: Tell him no. I’m out.
Sickles: It doesn’t matter, OK? We’re still the best! They need the best! You know our old war buddies, Rick and Bob?
Chad: Yeah, Rick and Bob? How the fuck are they? Those warts on Rick’s dick ever clear up? Man, he called me like 15 years ago, he said, “Yeah, I got these warts on my dick!” And I was like…
Sickles: Rick and Bob are dead!
Sickles: Rick and Bob are dead.
Chad: What’s the mission?
Sickles: We go to Egypt. We got to get the golden sphinx back from the Pharaoh. We get the golden sphinx, we kill a couple bad guys, and get the fuck out of town, OK?
Chad: What choice do I have?
Sickles: None at all. You know this is a suicide mission, Chad.
Chad: I’ve never planned to come back from any of our missions. Ever.
Sickles: Well, that’s an honorable approach. Don’t expect to come back from this one!
Chad: What time are we leaving?
Sickles follows this up with lines like, “Look at the Pyramids, son. They’re massive… just like your mother’s ass!”
Hutaree? Christian Warrior? Hooker for a three year old? Choke your wife? VC prostitute?
These don’t match. It could be that the dissonance is within the person of Kris Sickles and that he considers himself to be both a Christian Warrior to bring God’s Kingdom to Earth by killing cops for Christ and a guy who likes to put a preschooler on film and talk about getting him a hooker. There are a lot of people who live like that, and Sickles does display a preoccupation with Christianity elsewhere.
It could also be that Kris Sickles is, as his wife insists, no Christian Warrior. It could be that the feds have got the wrong guy. It’s happened before, many times.
It’ll be interesting to follow the trial, follow the evidence, and see whether Kris Sickles is really guilty of planning a cop killing spree… or just guilty of really bad taste.