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Pumpkins Are The Real Funkins

Today, in preparing for my family’s annual Halloween fun, I ran across a new idea for the holiday: Funkins. Funkins are just like pumpkins. They look like pumpkins, and they can be carved like pumpkins, and they have about the same consistency as pumpkins.

Funkins are not pumpkins, however. They’re artificial foam replicas of pumpkins.

Why would anyone want to buy a Funkin? The Funkin web site says that they’re great because they don’t have seeds, and they never rot.

What if you like to eat pumpkin seeds, though? And what if you enjoy the way that pumpkins get more and more creepy as they slowly soften up after carving?

The symbolism of a pumpkin is that it comes from the harvest. The harvest is sustained by a cycle of death, decomposition and regrowth. Replace that with an artificial, everlasting pumpkin, and you’re missing the meaning of the Halloween holiday.

Real pumpkins rot. They get soft spots. They have seeds. They’re messy, like real life. That’s why I carve a pumpkin. Pumpkins are the real Funkins.

One thought on “Pumpkins Are The Real Funkins”

  1. Tom says:

    Great. Now we can look forward to landfills containing artificial pumpkins that never rot! What are they made of styrofoam or plastic (maybe both)? Geez – i’ll bet they come from China.

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Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?