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What Will We Do Without Color Alerts?

I’ve just read that the United States government is doing away with color alerts. OK, so we never were at green. But I have to say I’ll miss orange alerts a little bit in my heart. There’ll be nothing left to remind Americans that a constant obsession with fear gets silly after a while. And once, just once, I wanted to go to Red Alert, just so I could feel like Captain James T. Kirk on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

There’s hope. Perhaps they’ll replace the color system with something else. Like fruits, maybe. “Mister President, the North Koreans are moving south along the coast toward Seoul. I strongly suggest we move the country to Pomegranate.” “Isn’t that a bit alarmist? Why not nudge the level up a bit to Fig instead?” Or we could think of terror like we think of wine. You know, it could be a bit soothing if the risk of terrorist attack were characterized as having a savory finish with a subtle undertone of oak.

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