Mitt Romney, Herman Cain, Fred Karger, Ron Paul and Tim Pawlenty have done it. They’ve announced exploratory committees to lead up to presidential campaigns in 2012. They’re all grasping for the power of a political party’s institutional structures, though. Shouldn’t the 2012 presidential field include at least one strong, truly independent candidate?
We think so. That’s why we’re proud to break the news that Krampus, the ancient trickster horned god of the original Yule celebrations around the time of the winter solstice, has thrown his hat, such as it is, into the ring. Krampus has filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission to form a presidential campaign exploratory committee.
Krampus will not run as a Democrat or a Republican, or as a Green or Libertarian. For that matter, Krampus will not run as a human being. Krampus is beyond such trivial qualifications… and besides, where in the Constitution does it state that a candidate for President must be human? Go ahead and search the Constitution – you won’t find any such limitation.
It’s true that Krampus refuses to show anyone his birth certificate, but that’s only because he has no birth certificate. He was never born, but was created in the imaginations of generations of early Europeans, and continues to be recreated now as a character in the minds of American citizens. That certainly qualifies Krampus as an American citizen, and there isn’t any Supreme Court ruling that contradicts his qualifications to serve as President.
Krampus hopes to differentiate himself as a presidential candidate by going against conventional wisdom. For example, while Mitt Romney campaigns with the slogan Believe in America, Krampus has Despair in America as a much more relevant campaign slogan, in touch with the current mood of the American people. While Newt Gingrich provides only the bland assertion that “America’s greatness lies in We the People,” Krampus provides a specific political philosophy: “America’s greatness lies in the fear that if people defy social norms, they will be seized by a wild, horned spirit, stuffed into a sack and thrown into the freezing river.” While Fred Karger depicts himself as breaking barriers as the “first openly gay person, in a major political party, to ever run for President of the United States”, Krampus takes the frontier of political enfranchisement even farther, declaring himself to be “the first non-corporeal candidate with horns growing out of his skull and a two foot-long tongue”.
Vote Krampus for President in 2012 – if you know what’s good for you.