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All Graves Opening in Two Days: Now That’ll Aerate the Lawn

May 21 Prediction for Judgment Day: Dead Bodies all over the Ground

For once an American religious leader has doled out an empirically testable prediction. We’ll be on the lookout for this development:

What will take place on May 21?
On May 21, 2011 two events will occur. These events could not be more opposite in nature, the one more wonderful than can be imagined; the other more horrific than can be imagined.
A great earthquake will occur the Bible describes it as “such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great.” This earthquake will be so powerful it will throw open all graves. The remains of the all the believers who have ever lived will be instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies to be forever with God.

On the other hand the bodies of all unsaved people will be thrown out upon the ground to be shamed.
The inhabitants who survive this terrible earthquake will exist in a world of horror and chaos beyond description. Each day people will die until October 21, 2011 when God will completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants.

A bigger earthquake than anyone has ever seen. Bodies everywhere spit up onto the ground. That should be noticeable.

On the down side of things, it’ll contaminate my green beans. On the positive side of things, there’s nothing like spitting up dead bodies to aerate my lawn.

4 comments to All Graves Opening in Two Days: Now That’ll Aerate the Lawn

  • Tom

    The caption should read “Blow me, Clowns!” on Sunday.

    Yeah, yeah – earthquake, floods, fire and brimstone; heard it all before, never happens (actually it happens all the time and we can’t, or more accurately WON’T do anything about it anyway). We’ve already seen the “religious class” telling us that climate events have caused catastrophes due to our “sinning before god!” in particular cities and towns which turned out to be code for gay behavior, abortion and other things they think we shouldn’t be doing (while they’re caught in scandalous behavior all the time it seems and also these events happen all over the place). There’s never any mention of the actual practices of giant corporations polluting the shit out of the air, water and land that actually CAUSES the climate-change-caused weather events though, or the fact that we’re doing it all wrong with respect to energy, transportation, and “civilized living.” And one of the most flagrantly hypocritical policies of organized religions is about continuing the procreation of humanity on an already overcrowded planet. This is the root of the whole problem!

    Who was it, maybe Woody Allen or Groucho Marx, who said “i wouldn’t want to join any group that would have me as a member.” Same goes for me and this vaunted “heaven” they’re always going on about. Who wants to be with these stuffed shirt, goody-goody, holier than thou types for eternity? Keep it.

    i’m more along the John Lennon line of thinking:

    Imagine there’s no heaven
    It’s easy if you try
    No hell below us
    Above us only sky
    Imagine all the people
    Living for today…

    Imagine there’s no countries
    It isn’t hard to do
    Nothing to kill or die for
    And no religion too
    Imagine all the people
    Living life in peace…

    You may say I’m a dreamer
    But I’m not the only one
    I hope someday you’ll join us
    And the world will be as one

    Imagine no possessions
    I wonder if you can
    No need for greed or hunger
    A brotherhood of man
    Imagine all the people
    Sharing all the world…

    You may say I’m a dreamer
    But I’m not the only one
    I hope someday you’ll join us
    And the world will live as one

  • Tom

    Since i fully expect this to all be forgotten by Sunday afternoon, we may as well load up on it for now:

    http://www.stinque.com/2011/05/19/heavens-hoover/#more-39475

  • Tom

    A connection between Apple-products and religious icons:

    “A team of British neuroscientists has confirmed what IT atheists have known for years – that the brains of Jobsian cult members respond to the sight of Apple products in much the same way that religious believers respond to religious imagery.”

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/05/19/fanboi_brain_study/

    (hat tip to Mike in NOLA over at the Big Picture)

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