Just in time for the Feast of Saint Alban, an ancient pinnacle of faith who proved beyond a doubt that God exists by making the eyes of his executioner pop out of his head, biblical scholars have confirmed that photographic proof of the historicity of Jesus has been found.
What’s more, the photograph proves that Jesus is walking the Earth, right now! Serious academics around the world now must now conclude that, Harold Camping was right! The second coming of Jesus did take place on May 21 – but none of us were worth sending up to Heaven to spare from the violent wrath of God that is to come!
A small group of certified biblical scholars, who have concluded that other self-professed biblical scholars are blasphemous apostates, has examined the photograph you see here, and come to the startling conclusion that only one interpretation of the evidence is possible: This is a photograph of the foot of the risen Jesus Christ, who has returned from the grave!
Evidence point 1: The wear patterns on the foot shown in the photograph are exactly what one would expect from someone who had walked barefoot in the Garden of Gethsemene, given what we know of the geography and vegetation of the time.
Evidence point 2: The arrow marked A shows the exit point where an iron stake was driven through the foot of Jesus in order to fix the Savior to the cross. What’s more, the wound has an appearance which is medically consistent with a wound that has long since healed – perhaps for two thousand years – and left a scar.
Evidence point 3: The heel shows signs of a blister which is precisely placed in such a way that it could only have been caused by a sandal worn by someone who had to travel far, uphill, under great stress. That fact clearly points to the idea that the blister was caused by the forced march of Jesus, carrying the weight of his own crucifix.
Certainly, skeptics can ignore one of these points of evidence. However, the existence of three separate sources of evidence still leave the essential argument intact. Even if an atheist were to come up with a convoluted argument that the crucifixion mark on the foot of Jesus shown here was caused by some other unnamed event, the other two pieces of evidence would still force the non-believer to admit that the Christ has risen and has come back to Earth to punish the wickedness of mankind.
The photograph of the foot of Jesus is causing a profound spiritual upheaval, and a realignment of Christian organizations as well. For example, Minister Uliah Postachio of the 13th Street Baptist Church in St. Louis, Missouri, points out that the food wrapper seen next to the foot of Jesus proves that the beliefs of rival Protestant denominations are incorrect. “Methodists have concluded that Jesus is an ‘eternal mediator’,” Postachio explains, “but for Jesus to drop the food wrapper on the floor without picking it up indicates that, in truth, Christ has come to remind us, as He did in his first visit, that the laws of Rome, such as laws against littering, have no relevance in his divine kingdom. Let us, then, follow in His stead, and leave our garbage where it falls. The time for conciliatory mediation has ended.”