Krampus Knows How Old The Earth Is
This week, Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry promoted the teaching of Christian Creationism in public schools, saying that he didn’t know how old the Earth is, that the theory of biological evolution by natural selection has a lot of gaps in it, and that Texas teaches students Creationism along with biology.
Republican rival Jon Huntsman responded to Perry’s remark on Twitter, writing, “To be clear, I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming.”
Last night, Krampus, the mischevious horned spirit of winter revelry, entered the fray. Krampus formed an exploratory presidential campaign committee back in April, and has continued to promote himself as a presidential candidate without creating a formal campaign every since. “Damn it, I’ll explore as long as I want to,” he has explained.
At a speech before the Iowa Corps Of Jesus Loving Voters Friday evening, Krampus issued a challenge to Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, and all the other presidential candidates. Krampus proposed holding a contest to identify the religious truth about the age of the Earth.
“I just got off the phone with Jesus Christ an hour ago,” Krampus announced. “Our kids went to school together, and we’ve stayed in contact ever since. I asked him how old the planet Earth is, and he told me, right down to the day of the week, the hour, the minute, and the very second. I say that we settle this presidential campaign business right now. There’s no reason to wait until 2012 to determine the outcome of the 2012 election. I call upon all the presidential candidates to declare how old they believe the Earth to be, and then I’ll reveal what Jesus said to me. The candidate who is closest to the truth will win the election, and everyone else will drop out, okay?”
Asked by a reporter if this process would circumvent the democratic process of voting to elect the President, Krampus responded, “Let’s not pussyfoot around the problem. Voting is over-rated. We’re talking about the truth here, not opinion. Jesus told me the truth, and I don’t see any reason to vote about that. I’m best buddies with Jesus, and that ought to be more than enough to reassure everybody.”
After this statement by Krampus, the presidential campaign of Michele Bachmann issued a response, saying, “For the record, Representative Bachmann loves Jesus more than anybody else. After praying on the matter, Representative Bachmann has decided that the world began on a Friday evening in late 1892, when far too many people were out drinking.”