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Krampus Introduces Jobs Plan That Will Work

Barack Obama wants to create jobs with moderate government spending. Mitt Romney and Rick Perry want to create jobs by cutting taxes for corporations and billionaires.

American voters don’t seem to have much faith in either plan. They’re looking for new ideas.

You won’t see him on the stage at the Fox News presidential debate tonight, but one independent presidential candidate is making waves by giving American voters the new ideas they’ve been yearning for.

don't be a sissyAt a speech in Grand Junction, Colorado, Krampus, the spirit of winter holiday mischief and independent presidential candidate, introduced his own jobs plan. Entitled the Renewal Through Wanton Destruction Framework, the Krampus jobs plan seeks to exploit age-old economic wisdom: There’s no opportunity to rebuild society if society isn’t destroyed first.

“Let’s incentivize the activities that create the conditions we need for job growth,” Krampus said, standing on a hastily-constructed stage in the parking lot of the Graystone Winery tasting room. “No longer can we allow corporate greed to slowly destroy the American economy. We need destruction now, and the American people are ready to take the responsibility for making it happen!”

Krampus proposed an Earned Havoc Tax Credit, which would provide $1,000 to every American family that enlists in the Smash And Burn Corps. In order for a family to be members in good standing of the SBC, they would have to destroy one substantial piece of property (such as a car, house, yacht, or storefront) every month. “Break your neighbor’s windows,” said Krampus, “and you’ll provide jobs at the glass factory. Roll burning tires through the door of the big box store down the street, and there will be employment for construction workers for an entire season.”

When asked if he would submit his jobs plan to analysis by the Congressional Budget Office, Krampus replied, Don’t be a sissy! I’ll put the wrecking ball to the offices of the Congressional Budget Office. Let them calculate on that for a while.”

2 thoughts on “Krampus Introduces Jobs Plan That Will Work”

  1. Tom says:

    You know, i think this Krampus guy is on to something. There are parallel movements already happening, though to be fair they don’t involve active destruction, just walking away from industrial society and beginning a transition to a life with much less (if not zero) oil:

  2. Hendrix says:

    I respect the integrity of this “destroy it yourself” approach. It will allow people to have a real sense of participation and personal ownership of our post-industrial nightmare that they just would not have if we took the easy way out and detonated the nukes in place.

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