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Satanic Influences Outed By Another Damned Survey!

“The scientific evidence of how same-sex attraction most likely may be created provides a credible basis for a spiritual explanation that indicts the devil.” — Daniel Avila, October 28 2011, writing for the official newsletter of the Boston Catholic Archdiocese.

The truth behind Daniel Avila’s scientific affirmation of satanic influence behind homosexuality is irrefutable. It’s in the statistics.

Results from a representative survey of 1,002 devils in the Greater Boston area reveal (margin of error +/- 3.2%):

Question 1. Are you a devil?

Yes: 100%
No: 0%

Question 2. Have you at any time in the past six months caused any men to touch other men's ding dongs?

Yes: 100%
No: 0%

Question 3. Have you at any time in the past six months caused any women to touch other women's hoo hahs?

Yes: 99.9%
No: 0%
Other: 0.1% "Was on sabbatical"

Question 4. Have you ever after 1977, even one time, had Chagas' disease, hepatitis, malaria, clotting factor concentrates, or Babesiosis?

Yes: 0%
No: 100%

There you have it. The scientific evidence is simply irrefutable.

Satanic beastie responding to a survey

3 thoughts on “Satanic Influences Outed By Another Damned Survey!”

  1. J. Clifford says:

    Jim, you’re better at statistics than I am. What is the statistical model for scientifically proving the way that something “most likely may be created”?

    1. Jim Cook says:

      Don’t you mock me, J. Clifford! I am so tired of being questioned. I’ve already told you!!! !!! The best way !!!!!!! is to create a representative sample of demonic forces!!!!!!!!! !!!!

      Duh!! uh!!!

  2. Ned Flaherty says:

    The bishops’ employee wrote in the original column that the church actually had “scientific evidence” that LGBT people are created by The Devil fooling around inside pregnant mothers. That was the only reason the bishops deleted the article from their site. Everything they believe remains intact. The entire original article is no longer available via the bishops, but enterprising cultural historians were thoughtful enough to save it at:

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