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North Carolina’s Ban On Equal Marriage Invites Mockery Of The South

“Oh, we’re not like that anymore,” people from the South keep on telling the rest of us. But then, they keep on acting like that, proving that yes, the South is still like that.

southern doofuses banning equal marriage rightsA generation ago, the Southerners were shouting and screaming that it was God’s will to have laws that outlawed people of African ancestry from getting married to people of European ancestry. Yesterday, Southerners passed a law creating an amendment to the state constitution of North Carolina declaring that only heterosexual couples can get married.

It was an act of defiance against the Constitution of the United States, which bans inequality under the law. The Civil War settled, some time ago, that state constitutions don’t have the right to overrule the national Constitution. But then, maybe the voters of North Carolina never learned about that in school. After all, the South does have the worst educational test scores in the nation.

Oh, I know that’s a mean thing to say, but it’s true. We’re all supposed to hold our tongues and not make fun of the backwards idiocy of the South. We’re supposed to be patient as they fly their Confederate flags, diphthong their way through life, and elect nasty, corrupt politicians into Congress.

When Southerners go and pass laws like North Carolina did yesterday, though, I don’t see much reason to be nice. The fact is, the South is holding the rest of the nation back.

Nationally, the majority of Americans support equal marriage rights for all American couples, whether they’re heterosexual or homosexual. Practically everywhere outside the South, it’s an overwhelming majority of Americans that supports marriage equality.

Just as they were slow to get the message with slavery, it’s the people in the South who are the last people in the country to grasp the idea that making it illegal for large numbers of people to get married does not make for a stable society.

Southerners don’t like to be made fun of for their nasty little regional culture, but then they go ahead and confirm the worst ideas that people have about them, engaging in loud public acts of cruel stupidity. It’s time that the rest of the nation speaks clearly and slowly to the South, so that it can understand: IF – YOU – DON’T – WANT – US – TO – MAKE – FUN – OF – YOU – THEN – STOP – ACTING – LIKE – IGNORANT – YAHOOS.

36 comments to North Carolina’s Ban On Equal Marriage Invites Mockery Of The South

  • Jeffrey "JK" Kelly

    Some people draw the marriage line at male female pairings, some at two adults regardless of gender, some at multiple wives, (not sure if multiple husbands are sought?) Fact is some move the line further to include all combinations of groupings/marriages. Dear reader where do you draw the line? Wherever YOU draw the line are you tolerant of all other positions on marriage? JK

    • JK, this isn’t an issue of tolerance. It’s about respect for the highest law in the United States of America, which is not the state constitution of North Carolina but the national Constitution. The Constitution requires equality under the law.

      Heterosexual marriage may be your default, but under the law it cannot be the default.

      If you don’t want equality under the law, JK, you have to change the national Constitution.

      • Jeffrey "JK" Kelly

        No you, Peregrin, need to change it. Homosexual marriage may be YOUR default but your equity under the law reasoning requires you to except other “equity” marriage configurations and if you don’t you’re intolerant.

        • JK, that doesn’t make any sense. What does it mean for me “except” “equity marriage configurations”?

          Just a shot in the dark, but did you receive a Southern education, JK?

  • Bill

    A sad day here in North Carolina (although not unforeseen).
    In the parking lot outside the polling place yesterday I saw an attractive young woman of color, with a nose piercing, quietly holding up a sign reading “Vote Against Amendment 1″. As I walked past she seemed hesitant to speak to me (can’t blame her; I do look for all the world like an *ss-kicking old backwoods redneck), but I gave her a thumbs-up and said “Count on it!” On the way back to my car I approached her and asked “So how’s it going? Are you running into much hostility?” She smiled and replied “I’d have to call it cordial hostility.”

    That’s us here in Ol’ NC: we’re bigots, but dang we’re polite about it!

    • Having lived for a time in NC, I can attest to the fact that there are a lot of people who are in the state who stand against bigotry. There just aren’t enough of them.

    • Bill

      And where the heck are the lawyers when we actually need ‘em? Marriage is, among other things, a religious sacrament (as those who voted yes on Amendment 1 are the first to remind us). Laws like Amendment 1 explicitly restrict that sacrament. Whatever happened to separation of church and state?

  • Ralph

    I think you need a link to the Youtube video of Andy Kaufman educating southern people: “This is soap. No, not saayope, soap.”

    • Jeffrey "JK" Kelly

      You’re right, Southerners progressive when it comes to laughing at themselves…they have to do it all the time!

      • JK, what does that sentence mean? Does it make sense if I read it with the Southern diphthong dictionary in hand for translation?

        Keep on displaying that great Southern education there, JK. With linguistic skills like yours, it’s no wonder that your grandpappies lost the War Of Northern Aggressitation!

        • Jeff Kelly

          Now, now Pippin, if you want to have an adult debate, you’ll have to stop with the poo poo, pee pee responses. Though it was so funny and cutting…wow! You are brilliant, witty and edgy, how do you live with such, with such, oh gosh, it’s just pure lunacy (and I mean that in the best sense of the word)? When will you take this act on the road!? I’m not Southern and it was stupid of you to assume so. I’m sure that’s the only time you’ve ever done that! How did I know you would go for the “I disagree with JK so I’ll attempt to put him down to feel better about myself and not address the issue” tactic, (a very *revealing attempt at that)? It means you’re insecure about yourself. That’s why you have to attack the “South” to feel that you’re so much smarter and progressive. Of course your sophomoric response proves you’re not. (*Revealing in that that’s how I know my comments rang true with you at some level, subconscious or otherwise.) I just gave you a chance to look in the mirror but don’t bother responding if you want me to see what a brilliant come back you’re gonna have because I’m not going to further respond to someone who is only interested in poo poo and pee pee to impress their three fans while hiding in their mom’s guest room. (Gee, we’re all on the edge of our seats, what will Pippin say? Something so caustic and original as a comment about about my syntax or spelling?) However, if you want your fellow, “attack the grammar of those we disagree with or some other minutiae, that’s progressive” types to see, go for it, they’ll be rollin’ in the aisles I’m sure! Love your enemy…and I do love ya’ Pippin man, dude, bro. P.S. Admit it, when you saw “about about” you were ready to pounce now weren’t ‘ya? I put that there so you could feel erudite.

      • Ralph

        Ugh. Me caveman. Southerners progressive. Me talk no use copula. From SOUTH!

  • Bill

    Just to be fair to my home state, I feel the need to point out that the ‘Triangle’ region of NC, where most of the educated population, much of the money, and all of the displaced Yankees reside, is a highly progressive region of the state. It’s really only out in the hollers where you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a rabid Baptist. Unfortunately, the majority of the state is out in the hollers.

  • Jeff

    I fortunately reside in one of the only counties that voted against, (watauga) and yes bigotry and hatred are in NC, but newsflash, ITS EVERYWHERE

  • Ralph

    How do you live with yourself! Me end question with exclamation point! Why do I do it! I don’t know! Must be because I from SOUTH! Ugh! Me use sentence fragments! No subject! Just adjectives! Now you feel superior! Don’t you!

  • JJ

    Marriage equality means that everyone gets to participate in the institution known as marriage. But the institution of marriage means something very specific, that is, a union between a man and a woman. Anybody can participate in that institution if they so desire, but they can’t reformulate the institution.

    Opponents of marriage are 0 for 32 in getting states to adopt their view. So they face the increasingly insurmountable task of convincing everyone that their opposition to marriage is “mainstream.”

    Also, the attempted comparison between sodomy and race holds no water. First of all, opponents of interracial marriages were not all Southerners–they were all Democrats. (And there were plenty of Democrats in the North touting the same racist line.) So now that the South is in the firm control of Republicans and has been for several decades, it’s high time to stop talking to Southerners as though Democrats still ran the show. Secondly, race is part of who a person is and how God created him, while sodomy is immoral behavior. There is no relationship between the two.

    • Ralph

      In response, I would start by pointing out that terms like “marriage” and institutions like those referred to by the term “marriage” are, in fact, in constant flux. They are constantly changing and being re-defined. Institutions are constantly in the process of reformulation, and the semantic fields of terms are always shifting. I would start that way, but since you are defending North Carolina’s policies, let me speak to you more directly–acknowledging where you are coming from:

      Der! You’re right. Marriage has always meant exactly the same thing since Moses rode his dinosaur down from Mt. Sinai with the ten commandments! Duh, it’s always been an exchange of property (the wife) between father-in-law and husband. Dooey! It never changed even a little over the course of the twentieth century, as women gained more rights, into a contract between two equal partners. Duuhuuh. It has always been, and always will be, what it is in South Carolina–a union between a man and his first cousin, presided over by an uncle with a shotgun.

      P.S. I hear you really rocked that banjo at the cast reunion for Deliverance!

      • JJ

        The above post is searching in vain for a coherent thought. The only decipherable point is that the institution of marriage is in “constant flux,” which is a conclusion, not an argument. On what basis do God’s institutions “flux” or undergo the “process of reformulation?” By what authority is that determined, and who oversees the process?

        • Oh, please, JJ… on what basis does anyone say anything about this “God” character? On no basis at all! We might as well base our national marriage policy on the inferred opinion of Legolas the elf from the Lord of the Rings books, because, just as God has been written about, so has Legolas the elf, and both of them are about as real.

          Oh, and by the way, I took place in a conference call with both Legolas the elf and God the god yesterday, and they both said that they support the legalization of same-sex marriage. There you have it: The word of God and Legolas together! Now obey.

  • Ralph

    There are two points in the post:
    Point 1: A rational argument that marriage has changed and been re-defined over time.
    Point 2: A rhetorical argument that you are too much of a stupid, inbred hillbilly idiot to understand point 1.

    Here’s the rational argument:
    If you actually do not understand how marriage has changed over time, do a little research. The institution of marriage has varied greatly over time and from one culture to another. For instance, the institution of marriage described in the Old Testament is polygynous; it does not require the consent of the wife, and the wife is considered to be a possession of her husband. The institution of marriage in North Carolina today is monogamous, it requires the consent of the wife, and the wife is not considered to be the property of her husband. This is evidence that marriage has changed. In as much as either form of the institution is or was “God’s,” God’s institution has changed.

    That’s the logical argument. What follows is the rhetorical argument:
    Fuck you. That’s right, fuck you, you ignorant inbred hillbilly asshole. There’s no point in making a careful, rational argument with you, because you are an idiot. You want evidence that marriage has changed over time? Really? Anthropologists and historians have done painstaking work laying this out in detail. Do a fucking Google search, and do some reading, if you can read. Your ignorance does not constitute any part of a rational argument, and I’m not going to help you make it seem like it does. Instead, I’m going to call you names, you stupid smelly ignorant redneck southern son of a bitch.

  • JJ

    Peregrin, our disagreement over the existence and character of God is illustrative of the fact that the dispositive question–the question upon which everything else in this discussion hinges–is just that: “Does God exist?” Conversations about terms like “marriage” and “marriage equality” are meaningless without first addressing that issue and the sub-issues that follow.

    Your implied assertion that as much evidence supports the existence of God as the existence of Legolas is simply inaccurate. It is much more accurate to say that as much evidence supports the existence of God as supports YOUR existence or the existence of planet earth. Pick any field of study, any discipline, any dimension, and you will find overwhelming support for God’s presence. In the 21st century where mankind knows more about the physical and non-physical realms than at any other time in human history, the claim that there is no God simply has no basis in fact.

    Ralph, I didn’t ask you “how marriage has changed over time.” I asked you on what basis do God’s institutions “flux” or undergo the “process of reformulation?” If God ordained the institution of marriage to be a heterosexual union forming the core of the nuclear family, on what basis and by what authority does that institution evolve into something radically different?

    • JJ, that question is only primary in your mind because you have made up the fictional character God, the fictional characteristics of which subsequently make that question primary for you.

      If I decide that I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and that the Flying Spaghetti Monster only wants gay people to marry, then the primary question for me is whether the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists. But that’s only primary for me, because I believe in that fiction. It’s not primary for anybody else.

  • Ralph

    So people can’t have rights until we all figure out whether or not God exists? OK then, I have a friend named Phineas the leprechaun. Phineas says that only gay people should get married, and that men and women should not marry each other. I think Phineas exists. You do not think Phineas exists. Now, until we settle once and for all whether or not Phineas exists, I guess the government should force you to do what Phineas wants you to do.

  • JJ

    Jim, on what basis do you claim that God is a fictional character? If you were to marshall all the evidence you could find for the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Ralph were to marshall all the evidence he could find for the existence of his leprechaun, you would both come away completely empty-handed.

    On the other hand, a human being cannot spend one conscious nanosecond on planet earth without having all five of his senses inundated and overwhelmed by a flood of evidence of the existence of God. It would be as though a person were in the middle of the ocean looking for evidence of the existence of water.

    Astonishingly, many of those opposed to constitutional amendments codifying God’s definition of marriage do so on the basis of a dogmatic commitment to the religion of atheism. Then when someone comes along challenging that religious belief, he is told that despite the evidence for God’s existence, HE is the one propagating a fictional story. Amazing!

    Ralph, the only reason rights exist at all is because God gave them to us. Without God, the concept of “rights” means nothing. How can anyone claim that depriving a person of a “right” is immoral when there is no God defining morality? If God truly did not exist, then it wouldn’t matter what NC or any other state did or neglected to do to its citizens.

    • Dearie, I’ve spent more than a nanosecond on this planet and I’ve yet to see a shred of quality evidence to suggest that the fictional character God is actual.

      Until you prove that this “God” character is actual, there’s no reason for the rest of us to assume it, and there’s certainly no basis for you to demand that the rest of us begin discussions of other matters with proofs that your “God” character is not a fiction.

      Your ideas about your “God” character are simply irrelevant (outside of cultural studies) because they have never been proven to be non-fictional.

  • Ralph

    Nicely done, JJ. I set out to mock southerners for being smelly, inbred morons. But that pales in comparison to the derogatory light you put the south in. That’s right, the south is full of assholes who are more than just ignorant and unwashed–they’re downright dangerous.

    The idea that all rights come from religion is the kind of extremist theocracy you see in countries like Iran. Do us all a favor and go, asshole. It’s where you belong. You don’t understand the principles of a democratic nation like America, you’re just fucking it up.

    I couldn’t insult North Carolina more profoundly than by saying it’s full of theocratic assholes like you.

    • JJ

      If anyone is thinking about starting a campaign to legalize gay “marriage” in one of the 32 states that decline to recognize it, PLEASE make Ralph your spokesperson. ;)

      I did not say that “all rights come from religion.” They certainly don’t come from the religion of atheism, because atheism rejects the existence of a transcendent authority from which rights or morality can be derived.

      What I said is that all rights come from God. And orthodox atheists who seek to concoct a rationale for recognizing rights apart from God face an uphill battle indeed.

      • Ralph

        The campaign is on, bitch. And sorry, but no more mister nice gay. You actually expect people you treat like second-class citizens to kiss your ass and beg for their rights? Man, you’re an asshole.

        There’s no point in trying to convince religious extremists like you of anything. You don’t listen to reason. You can’t be negotiated with. You live in your own little world created by your imaginary friend, where the shit you say makes sense.

        You didn’t say all rights come from religion? You said “the only reason rights exist at all is because God gave them to us.”

        You didn’t ask how marriage changed over time? No, you asked how “God’s institutions” undergo “flux”–in the context of marriage.

        Bitch, please. You are totally full of shit. No amount of anybody kissing your ass and pretending to respect you is going to do anything other than give your bullshit an air of legitimacy it doesn’t deserve. You mimic the style of reasoning, but you don’t understand the first thing about it. You are fundamentally dishonest and contemptible.

        The campaign is not to reach you or convince you of anything. It’s to make people in the south embarrassed to appear to be from a place dominated by dumbass rednecks like you.

  • JJ

    OK Ralph, you’ve expressed what you think about me. Now I’m going to tell you what I think about you. This will likely be my last post on this article, so feel free to have the last word, if you so desire.

    I think that because you are a human being, you are the pinnacle of the created order because God designed you in His image.

    I think that you are a first-class citizen because you are first-class workmanship of a God who made you for a purpose and loves you and every other human being more than you or I can possibly comprehend.

    I think that you have inestimable value as a person because God placed that value on you, and no other created thing can diminish the value that God places on humanity.

    I don’t know if you are gay or straight — and I don’t care. Your sexual orientation affects your value or status as a being created by God about as much as the market value of a lawn mower.

    These things that I think about you come from my conviction that God exists and that He loves you. My high esteem for your humanity is a direct result of my belief in God. You can call that “religious extremism” if you like, but it is the only basis for treating people as creatures worthy of respect and dignity. Belief in God enhances the sanctity of human beings exponentially!

    If you want to find a true expression of hatred towards gay people, look no farther than Westboro Baptist Church. That church is deluded and deranged because it doesn’t have a clue about the nature of the God it claims to represent. God cannot hate because hatred simply is not in His nature. He can only love, and He can only love a whole lot.

    • Ralph

      Thanks for giving me the last word on this. That word is bullshit.

      You can’t hold people in high esteem, treat them with respect and dignity, then take away their civil rights and treat them as unequal. That’s bullshit.

      When you say you want the government to treat some people like second-class citizens, you are not having a polite, reasonable conversation. You are being a fucking asshole.

      Religious fundamentalists like you are sworn enemies of reason and liberty. You are a threat to freedom not just in places like Afghanistan, but right here in America too. So fuck y’all. Fuck all y’all!

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