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Vlad The Impaler for President 2012

For the past three presidential terms, the United States has been moving away from constitutional freedoms, and toward the status of just another security state. If that’s the choice that Americans really want to make, I suppose that we have to go along with the democratic process. However, if we’re going to go for totalitarianism in the USA, I say that we ought to go whole hog.

vampire presidential candidate 2012If we’re doing the Homeland Security thing, we need a leader who will do whatever it takes to protect the homeland – including lining up America’s impaled enemies on stakes outside the White House, and drinking the hot blood of terrorists with their hearts still beating in their chests. Homeland America needs Vlad the Impaler for President in 2012!

Vlad beat the Muslims hundreds of years ago, and sure, he employed some unorthodox methods, but they didn’t call him “dragon” for nothing!

Vlad the Impaler is the only true outsider in the 2012 presidential race. Prince Dracul is not from Washington D.C. He’s not from America. Heck, he’s not even from the pre-Industrial era. Since his transformation, the Transylvanian Tyrant isn’t even human.

Vlad the Impaler is the only presidential candidate who can help Americans get beyond the tired old divisions that keep the living and the dead separated. He has his own wealth, of old Roman gold coins and of centuries worth of blood, so he won’t be accountable to any special interests… other than the ones he has himself.

Maybe it’s not too late for Count Dracula to run for President using the Americans Elect system. An undead political party would be a perfect match for an undead presidential candidate, don’t you think?

5 thoughts on “Vlad The Impaler for President 2012”

  1. Tom says:

    i’d be skeptical that he’d go all wishy-washy on us like Obama and start “compromising” with his opponents (instead of just sticking a pike up their ass). Obama ruined the idea of change for the better for the foreseeable future – until the corporate money is out of politics, corporations are declared to NOT be “persons” and they pay their fare share of taxes. So, in effect politics is DEAD as a means of change. Bring on Vlad to clean house and i’d be all too happy to help.

    1. F.G. Fitzer says:

      Well, that’s what I’m saying, Tom. If politics is dead, then why not have a dead guy leading the effort for political change?

      But Tom, this isn’t hypothetical. Count Dracula, Vlad the Impaler has officially joined the 2012 presidential race. Now, what are you going to DO to help this bloodsucker, or are you just all talk and no bite?

  2. Benjamin Barber says:

    I think you should spare us this sort of sattire, it seems rather pointless.

    1. F.G. Fitzer says:

      Run your finger along the tip of one of Vlad the Impaler’s teeth and tell me again that it’s pointless.

      There’s certainly more point to a vampiric run for the White House than your campaign pledge to “get politicians on both sides of the isle”. It’s time for your candidacy to provide specific answers! Which island do you want to get these politicians onto, and why do you insist that they stay on the beaches?

  3. Tom says:

    i am GUMBY, dammit!

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