On Monday, Donald Trump announced to the world that tomorrow, he will release secret documents that will contain “something very, very big concerning the president of the United States,” something that, he told Fox News, “you will cover it in a very big fashion.” Of course, Fox News will report any silly conspiracy about Barack Obama.
The Daily Mail speculates that Trump will reveal that Barack and Michelle Obama once contemplated getting divorced. That would be no great surprise, though, as the President has already revealed that his marriage hit a rocky patch during the time he was trying to gain a seat in Congress. Besides, it would be bizarre for Donald Trump, who has himself been divorced twice, to judge Barack Obama, who has only been married to one woman, for simply contemplating getting a divorce.
So, what secret could Donald Trump be planning to reveal tomorrow? Here are the top 10 possibilities:
10. Satanic Scrabble
Donald Trump will reveal that the name Barack Hussein Obama identifies the President as the spawn of Satan. When the Scrabble value of the letters in Obama’s full name are added up and divided by Pi, Trump will explain, the result is 666.
9. The Snack Thief In Chief
Donald Trump will show secret video footage of Barack Obama using his mysterious golden ring to steal junk food snacks from vending machines across Washington D.C. in the middle of the night. The golden ring, it turns out, is not a carrier of the Islamic Shahadah profession of faith, but is a magical Masonic device that has the ability to enable its wearer to take snacks from any vending machine, without paying. Trump has run the spreadsheets, and calculated that the financial loss created by the President’s midnight cravings are the true cause of the economic recession of 2008.
Donald Trump will email to the Washington Post an MP3 audio recording of Barack and Michelle Obama having environmentally-themed phone sex during his visit to Saudi Arabia, in which the President refers to the act of sexual intercourse with his wife as “carbon storage”.
7. Obama Isllamic
Donald Trump will post photographs on the Pinterest social media site showing Barack Obama knitting socks during Cabinet meetings, along with credit card payments suggesting that the President refuses to use any yarn that is not made from wool collected from wild mountain llamas living on the most remote peaks of Peru.
6. Crayola May Sue
Donald Trump will display intercepted communications between President Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu, in which Obama proposes to compromise on a “purple line for Iran” rather than a “red line for Iran”.
5. The O-Files
Donald Trump will show medical records proving that a small scar on Barack Obama’s ankle was created during an extraterrestrial abduction in which Obama underwent an extremely slow and painful brain transplant with Ayn Rand.
4. Genes From My Fathers
Donald Trump will release the results of DNA tests performed on hair samples taken from Barack Obama’s discarded razor. The DNA tests will show that Barack Obama actually had 5 different fathers, who were from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia; Shanghai, China; Havana, Cuba; Leningrad, USSR; and Montpelier, Vermont.
3. We Do NOT Have Fewer Bayonets And Horses
Donald Trump will show a video of a secret vault in the White House basement that contains Obama’s growing stockpiles of bayonets, along with a series of underground stables, containing 10 purebred Arabian stallions.
2. Justin Bieber Is Barack Obama’s Secret Alter Ego
You knew this was true.
1. Meta Secrets
Donald Trump will release documents establishing that his private investigators have discovered absolutely no secrets about Barack Obama at all. The executive summary of the investigators’ report to Trump will state, “We conclude that Obama is unfit to remain President of the United States because he has not demonstrated sufficient capability at subterfuge.”