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Coastline of United States Sharply Altered in Post-Election Cataclysm

The morning after the 2012 elections saw a starkly changed American landscape, changed in a very literal sense as large sections of the North American landmass collapsed into the ocean.

As the dawn rose over the United States of America, it quickly became apparent that the entire states of Maine (where voters approved same-sex marriage by a margin of 53%-47%), Maryland (where voters approved same-sex marriage by 52%-48% margin) and Washington State (where voters approved same-sex marriage by a 52%-48% margin) had disappeared under the waves. NSAT-5 and NSAT-7 satellite imagery quickly pieced together by the Atmospheric and Oceanographic Administration of Very, Very Straight but Clergy revealed a new composite image of the American coastline:

Coastline of the United States Dramatically Altered in Cataclysm After Votes on Same-Sex Marriage in Maryland, Maine and Washington State

Reaction was swift from conservative quarters. “By their actions, the voters of three states invited God’s judgment on our nation,” opined theogeologist and chicken-frying magnate Dan Cathy. Fellow theogeologist Rabbi Yehuda Levin agreed with Cathy’s assessment:

The way this works is very simple: God warns us. God warns in the Bible as early as Noah that this kind of misbehavior can lead to floods. It can lead to disasters. It can lead to buildings falling and earthquakes.

So that is our tradition. It is written in our Talmud, two thousand years ago, that because of the sin of homosexuality and the, organized homosexuality, societal homosexuality is, cause, brings about earthquakes.

Innocent people then get destroyed with the guilty people, just like when a bus driver drives a bus and goes over a ravine, innocent people are killed. We don’t hold this against God. These are the regulations.

“Yes, millions of people are dead, but some ladies were planning to kiss one another. God had no choice,” added Rabbi Levin’s longtime personal assistant and groomsman, who refused to be named for this article. “God’s justice demands that we sort out our genitals hygenically.”


Update, 7:50 AM EST: Officials at the Atmospheric and Oceanographic Administration of Very, Very Straight Clergy have released a statement clarifying that the states of Maine, Maryland and Washington have actually not collapsed into the ocean after all. “One of our technicians misinterpreted the image on our lab computers. The map is just our screen saver,” explained the Very, Very Straight Reverend Frederick Updike. “We regret the error.” “Check back in tomorrow, though,” added VVSR Updike’s longtime personal groomsman.

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