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What Happened When I Took The Three Minute Chakra Test

According to Intuitive Health Solutions, a web site that professes much knowledge about “better health and wellness”, the quality of patience becomes manifest upon the opening of the root chakra, the first of many mystical centers of power that are supposed to exist along the spine. Patience is awesome, but I’ve heard it tell that even better qualities are available to me, if only I can open up the higher chakras.

How can I do this? First, I thought, I’d better figure out how many chakras I have open, so that I don’t have to waste time working on opening them up again. I’m kind of in a hurry to get enlightened.

Well, you know what they say: Whenever fate closes one chakra, it opens up another. Fate, it seems, is eager for me to begin my chakra advancement. I know this, because tonight, just as I was getting ready to give up on my chakra opening quest, I came upon an advertisement for the 3-Minute Chakra Test from Carol Tuttle at

chakra healingOver 500,000 people have taken the test, the web site said. I had heard that social conformity is a quality valued when the heart chakra is opened, so I took heart, so to speak, and decided to take the test, and share the results here with you.

The really far out thing is that it only took me 2 minutes and three seconds to finish, which means that I’m 57 seconds closer to enlightenment than I thought I was. The first thing I discovered upon completion of the test was that “It’s time to discover if your energetic ecosystem is helping or harming you.” Then, the ChakraHealing web site asked me for my email address so I could receive the results. I gave it a email address I set up 17 years ago and hardly ever check now because I’m afraid of getting my email chakra infected with karma viruses.

Next, a video promised me “a ton of videos from Mind Valley author Carol Tuttle”. I then wondered, how much does a video received by email weigh, and realized that I do not yet have the faith to simply accept that the videos I would receive would in fact weigh a ton. My throat chakra, which Be Fit Yoga says opens the power of faith, must be closed. Where can I get a dharma lozenge?

Now, here’s what I learned: All of my chakras are categorized as either weak or closed. Cosmic bummer.

There’s good news for me, though. The email that delivered my results gave me a link to a web site at which the secret of how to “instantly heal your weak or closed chakras” would be revealed to me. Instant is good, I figured, so I clicked on the link.

Sadly, a rakshasha must have sensed that I was closing in on an easy path to enlightenment, because when I clicked on the link, my web browser gave me the message that “This page cannot be displayed”. If only my chakras were not so weak and closed, I might try harder to give Carol Tuttle an opportunity to become my teacher. It appears that I will be staying in Samsara for a while longer, folks.

4 thoughts on “What Happened When I Took The Three Minute Chakra Test”

  1. Bill says:

    To be said in the accent of The Simpson’s Apu:

    “So sorry, we are closed. Thank you and go away!”

  2. Andrew says:

    Carol Tuttle is so full of cows dung and is just a slick money ripoff. Do not click on that site.

  3. Judy says:

    oh my yes. after wading through (andit was a very quick wade, believe me) I finally reached, breathless, the 7 chakra test. I slid the slider allll the way on the positive side for all of them Im sure she was pleased.
    within minutes she was in my email, telling me all about the meanings of each chakra and noting that mine were all top notch.

    cue the violins.


    They did need a bit more work, and she was going to help me to get those naughty chakras strengthened.

    for a fee.

    Anyone who plays into this, let me send the URL for Scientology, and the one for Acai berries.

  4. Judy says:

    follow up: if you scroll fast enough and long enough (and be sure to admire this woman’s deep smiley wrinkles that seem to be either photoshopped ON or badly photoshopped out), you will finally be given a price list. Yes indeed. 800 bucks for the online lessons. private Tutoring with Carol herself, 500 bucks per session. Extras are, er, extra. Of course.

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