I kid you not: according to a leaked presentation by the National Security Agency’s ongoing “XKeyscore” program, the whole idea for finding terrorists is to scoop up everybody’s internet activity, store it, and search for “suspicious stuff”:
Well, Hell’s Bells and cockleshells! The NSA didn’t need some highfalutin’ fifty-trillion-dollar-laser-guided classified program to do that! I can search for “suspicious stuff” right now. As a matterafact, I just did, and I can now tell you with [redacted]% certainty exactly who the terrorists are:
Google Page One Terrorist: Mitt Romney. A top search result for “suspicious stuff” reveals a Neal Cavuto revelation that the media reports “suspicious stuff” about Mitt Romney.
Twitter Page One Terrorist: Tiny White Animals. A top search for “suspicious stuff” on Twitter:
I had some suspicious stuff on my plants. So I took out the (USB) Microscope. Anyone knows what kind it is? pic.twitter.com/JcncmTpHDH
— SteveClement (@SteveClement) July 29, 2013
YouTube Page One Terrorist: The Sun. It’s nuclear. It’s explosive. It’s only… a matter… of time! This Page One YouTube result for Suspicious Stuff is brought to you by Fox News, so it must be true:
Pinterest Page One Terrorist: Professor Snape. Well, duh. That’s just what Harry thought, even though Hermione said “Nooooooo….”
See? Plenty of terrorists identified, and my price tag starts with “fr” and ends with “ee.” That’s right: in return for my service, all I want is a frisbee.