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U.S. Government XKeyscore Plan to Find the Terrorists: “Suspicious Stuff.” OMG, we found the Stuff…

I kid you not: according to a leaked presentation by the National Security Agency’s ongoing “XKeyscore” program, the whole idea for finding terrorists is to scoop up everybody’s internet activity, store it, and search for “suspicious stuff”:

NSA plan for finding the terrorists: get everyone's activities online, everywhere, and, um, search for suspicious stuff

Well, Hell’s Bells and cockleshells! The NSA didn’t need some highfalutin’ fifty-trillion-dollar-laser-guided classified program to do that! I can search for “suspicious stuff” right now. As a matterafact, I just did, and I can now tell you with [redacted]% certainty exactly who the terrorists are:

Google Page One Terrorist: Mitt Romney. A top search result for “suspicious stuff” reveals a Neal Cavuto revelation that the media reports “suspicious stuff” about Mitt Romney.

Bing Page One Terrorist: Smoke on an Apple. It must be the 2013 equivalent of Snakes on a Plane.

Twitter Page One Terrorist: Tiny White Animals. A top search for “suspicious stuff” on Twitter:

YouTube Page One Terrorist: The Sun. It’s nuclear. It’s explosive. It’s only… a matter… of time! This Page One YouTube result for Suspicious Stuff is brought to you by Fox News, so it must be true:

Pinterest Page One Terrorist: Professor Snape. Well, duh. That’s just what Harry thought, even though Hermione said “Nooooooo….”

Professor Snape is a Terrorist.  Oh, he's got plenty of suspicious stuff, alright.

See? Plenty of terrorists identified, and my price tag starts with “fr” and ends with “ee.” That’s right: in return for my service, all I want is a frisbee.

One thought on “U.S. Government XKeyscore Plan to Find the Terrorists: “Suspicious Stuff.” OMG, we found the Stuff…”

  1. Bill says:

    Back in the days when Google’s ad targeting algorithms were still kinda clunky, any time you searched for any ‘X’ you’d get an ad on the side reading “Looking for cheap ‘X’? Buy it now!” Just for giggles I’d frequently search for ‘plutonium’ in order to see the ad read “Looking for cheap plutonium? Buy it now!”

    I think I hear the black helicopters coming….

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