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Certified Complete

Certificate of Achievement: [Insert Name] completed the online course Workplace Harassment Prevention for Staff (2013) required of all employees at his place of employment, and couldn’t help but skip ahead to take the post-test quiz on the material he has heard seventy times before, and passed the quiz, I mean, how can you miss a question that asks whether or not referring to coworkers as “spics” or pestering your underling for a date is a bad idea, and anyway passed it, but still was forced by his employer and United Educators Inc. to watch hour after hour of online video role plays acted out by the winners of the National Excruciatingly Slow Speech Competiton and press “Next” every three minutes so he wouldn’t drift away and oh, I don’t know, complete some actual work or perhaps weep gently in the lavatory, but at any rate has finished learning what he already knew and is vaguely convinced that this is all designed to get him used to living under his eventual robot overlords but in any case knows he will never get those three hours of his life back again.

7 comments to Certified Complete

  • Peregrin Wood

    Didn’t you read the fine print at the bottom of your certificate? Education has now become a form of insurance – indemnification against somebody looking stupid at some point in the future.

  • Charles Manning

    They misspelled “overlords.”

    • Jim Cook

      Nyet! Nein! Nichts! Rien! Zut! Hayir! Nej! The Edupolizeisrechtungbureau has verified this never, ever happened! The little red book is also in concordance.

  • Tom

    Don’t feel bad, I got a certificate for attending a mandatory faculty start-up meeting that went over the same crap, with the same tired “we’re doing great” speech by the Dean (who may as well be the CFO) that we’ve been through the last at least 10 years. It’s the new faux accomplishments idea that’s making the rounds through corporate America.

  • Mark

    Don’t you realize that this sort of annual exercise (I have to do it too) is not to help prevent workplace harassment. It’s to protect your employer from a lawsuit should one of its employees be harassed by another. Then the employer can simply say that they provided appropriate training to all their employees so anything that happened is not their fault.

    Speaking of annual exercises in wasting time, since I work in a science laboratory at a medical university I also have to pass annual certifications in animal care, HIPPA standards, hazardous waste management, and workplace safety, even though I have been doing the same job (successfully, I should add) for over a decade.

  • Bill

    I’ve so been there…having to page through these excruciating “training” things. However they do present an obvious market opportunity for some bright young entrepreneurial programmer to develop a browser plug-in that will auto-click the ‘Next’ button every two minutes and select the ‘right’ answers on the test. I mean, c’mon, that ain’t rocket science.

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