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Constitution Party Proves Jesus Wants His Followers To Butt Out Of Politics

In just one article, J. Clifford has managed to alienate Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Libertarians, and members of the new 1787 party. He left out another political party, however – the Constitution Party. Remember them?

The Constitution Party doesn’t just claim to have a solid moral foundation for its political policies. Instead, the political party claims that the Christian god, the creator and ruler of the entire universe, is on its side. In 2012, at the Constitution Party national convention, Robert Owens, the keynote speaker, revealed what he called “God’s Plan for Our Victory”.

constitution party jesus sleep

What is that divine plan for victory? It seems to begin with joining the atheists in taking a nap.

According to the most recent American Religious Identification Survey, 79 percent of the residents of Missouri identify themselves as followers of the Christian god, thus aligning them, in theory, with the Constitution Party, with its “God’s Plan for Our Victory”.

That theory, however, didn’t match the electoral reality of this year’s special election for the seat representing Missouri’s 8th district in Congress. The Constitution Party itself reports, “Our outstanding candidate for Congress in the Eighth District of Missouri’s special election tells why he ran and what happened along the campaign trail. Doug Enyart is blunt. He notes that it’s not easy to carry the Constitution Party flag in an election: resources are hard to come by, more volunteers are always needed, and it’s a struggle to get noticed by the media. But Doug’s story is different: yes, the electioneering was tough, but he had hundreds of yard signs, was invited to a TV debate with all the candidates (there were four), and earned over 3.6 percent of the vote — more than double than what the Libertarian Party nominee received.”

Experts in math will note the gap between 79 percent (voters in Missouri who are Christian) and 3.6 percent (voters in Missouri’s 8th congressional district who voted for the Constitution Party candidate this year).

There are a number of possible explanations for this discrepancy.

– Voters in Missouri’s 8th congressional district buck the statewide trend, and are only 3.6 percent Christian.
– Most Christians in Missouri have rebelled against the plan of their god.
– The Constitution Party does not actually have the support of any god, but is just a group of kooky people who are extremely out of touch with American culture, even as it is manifested in Missouri.

As for myself, I am partial to another explanation. The Christian god’s plan for victory for the Constitution Party is to have all good Christians take a long, hard nap in 2013, so that, unlike all the unholy voters who made it to the polls this year, they will be well-rested for the 2014 congressional elections.

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