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New Frontier in Weather Science Emerges, Thanks to Anti-Gay Politico?

A tip of the pen to Fred Clark for bringing my attention to the hubbub surrounding the recent declaration by UK Independence Party (UKIP) politician David Silvester that massive flooding in the UK was a direct consequence of the decision to legalize same-sex marriage in the nation.

Reaction to this claim includes the usual outrage, but also a strong thread of pragmatism. If true, couldn’t we use the relationship for good? BBC Radio 4’s Now Show suggests that to end drought in Africa, we need only airlift a pack of gay men to the most arid regions. Also on BBC Radio 4, Nicholas Pegg shares a shipping forecast based on local sexual activity:

Over on Twitter, UKIPWeather lets us know what to expect in the weather:

  1. A band of heavy rain will sweep across the UK due to a man dressed as a Red Indian falling asleep in front of the Gay Network channel

  2. Amber flood alert issued for Tewkesbury after a man won £50 on a scratchcard and said ‘oh my god!’ 3 times in quick succession

  3. The clouds that formed as 2 men exchanged glances in a public toilet will clear following a discussion about Man Utd’s defensive frailties

  4. Relief for residents near the River Wye as a man in Hereford offers his colleagues a Fisherman’s Friend without any attempt at gay innuendo

  5. A male shop assistant offering constructive critiques in the men’s department of Debenhams will cause temperatures in Leeds to drop to -1c

  6. The dense fog affecting much of the UK will begin to clear when an office manager makes a bawdy joke at the expense of a female colleage

  7. A band of animosity is moving steadily across Sevenoaks after a laptop was spotted on James Turner Street #benefitsstreet

  8. A period of calm as a group of women go shopping for shoes. However, storm clouds will form when one of them suggests going to Millets

  9. David Silvester has started to question his faith following the appearance of a rainbow over Henley-on-Thames

  10. If you live in Maidstone, grab an umbrella! A man has become flustered after stalling his car at traffic lights

  11. A lingering look between 2 men at a gym in York has sparked concerns from residents living near the River Ouse

  12. High winds at a garden centre in Kent after 2 men were spotted heading towards the plants without stopping to look at the ride-on lawnmowers

  13. Council gritters are on high alert after a man in Peterborough went into a pub and ordered a glass of white wine

  14. Bitterly cold Daily Mail headlines will sweep through most of the UK causing widespread resentment of the unemployed

  15. The sun makes a brief appearance after John Barrowman stubs his toe on the corner of a wardrobe

  16. The early sunshine in the Cotswolds has been replaced by cloud after a man spent a suspiciously long time grooming his facial hair

  17. Temperatures will plummet as a result of a man in Cumbria enthusiastically browsing through a home furnishings catalogue

  18. Dark clouds are forming over the Midlands following voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons

  19. An area of blame will move in from the east before drifting away and settling over Brussels

  20. A morning kiss between two consenting adults will lead to drizzle on higher ground

  21. An area of low intelligence centred around the Daily Mail will cause severe outbreaks of capital letters and exclamation marks

  22. EXTREME WEATHER WARNING! Tonight for the first time, just about half past ten. For the first time in history it’s gonna start rainin’ men

This is all highly amusing, but God almighty does not appear to be cooperating. By this Thursday, even though same-sex marriages will continue apace, the UK will see mild temperatures and partly sunny skies.

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