Plettie Lauffenkamper, a reporter for the online news site StalkerPost.com, has published a leaked first draft of President Barack Obama’s State Of The Union Address, the final draft of which will be delivered tonight. Lauffenkamper refuses to divulge the source of the leaked document, and while the White House refuses to confirm or deny the authenticity of the draft, although Attorney General Eric Holder has announced that that he plans to launch an investigation into the matter in “just a minute… just a minute, okay?”
The text of the State Of The Union draft is as follows:
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, fellow citizens:
Fifty-two years ago, John F. Kennedy declared to this chamber that “the Constitution makes us not rivals for power but partners for progress.” (Applause. Will they clap for this again? Maybe if I change the words around a little.) “It is my task,” he said, “to report the State of the Union – to improve it is the task of us all.”
It is true that Congress and the White House may not have seen eye to eye on every issue this year, and that you obstructed all of my programs, and that we spent most of our time arguing with you about whether to pay bills, and that, in the end, we all know that 2014 is going to see the same old thing all over again, but the American people know that we must do better. When they look at the American flag, they don’t see blue and red. They see… not much, because they’ve been drinking beer all day, because they only bring out the flag on July 4th anyway, or during the Super Bowl, maybe.
That’s why I have ordered my Cabinet officers to create a bipartisan commission to _____ blah, blah, blah, do something, and report the findings back to me and Speaker Boehner.
Tonight, thanks to the grit and determination of the American people, there is much progress to report. Last year, after a decade of grinding war, our brave men and women in uniform were coming home.
Then, I tried to get them to go into a new war, getting involved in the bloody civil war in Syria. But then, Americans, tall and short, orange and fuschia, fat and skinny, bearded and clean-shaven, came together and decided that they thought it was a pretty stupid idea. It was. Thank goodness you all stopped me.
Since I became President, I’ve been playing a lot of Angry Birds, or Bejeweled. Lately, it’s been that Candy Saga Crunch thing that Sasha and Malia showed me. Michelle and the girls and I have had a lot of conversations around the dinner table about it, and I’ve come to realize a few things.
First, I need a new smart phone.
Second… What was I saying? Tie this back to Mideast “Peace Plan”
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
It is our generation’s task to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth – a rising, thriving middle class. We can’t do this without getting rid of smart phones… because, you know, Candy Crush Saga thing, am I right?
But no issue is simple, and I know that our friends in the innovative technologies industry understand the vital national importance of keeping electronic communications networks open, so that the NSA can spy on everybody, keeping databanks full of blackmail on people, like those photographs they have of me at that Cosplay Convention, which led me to see the wisdom of voting in favor of the FISA Amendments Act way back when I was just a freshman member of the United States Senate.
[sound emphatic here. imagine trumpet calling Taps in the distance, and a bald eagle circling high above a lonely mountain]
The American people don’t expect government to solve every problem. They don’t expect those of us in this chamber to agree on every issue. They don’t expect us to stop arguing with each other over and over again. They don’t expect us to do much except to keep passing legislation that helps the big donors from top executive suites in America’s corporations. What they do expect from us is to update our Twitter accounts a little more frequently. Can you work with me on this, members of Congress? Don’t you have interns for that?
We can’t ask senior citizens and working families to shoulder the entire burden of deficit reduction while asking nothing more from the wealthiest and the most powerful. I think these things are better left unsaid. It’s better to apologize than to ask permission, I say, so that’s why I’ll continue to work with Republicans and Democrats in closed-door meetings to find new excuses for cutting Social Security and Medicare – without asking senior citizens and working families for their opinions.
Already, the Affordable Care Act is helping to slow the growth of health care costs, mostly by confusing everybody until they just stop even trying to visit their doctors. Do you understand it? I know I don’t. I am open to additional reforms from both parties, because more words look impressive, and we can come together to call it “reform”.
Last year, I made a request. I asked you, “Let’s agree right here, right now to keep the people’s government open, and pay our bills on time, and always uphold the full faith and credit of the United States of America.” Wasn’t that a laugh? I mean, wow.
Our first priority is making America a magnet for new jobs and manufacturing. After shedding jobs for more than 10 years, our manufacturers have added about 500,000 jobs over the past three. But there’s still a big pile of shed jobs, just lying around all over the place. That’s why I am announcing the creation of a federal jobs program that will employ anybody who is physically able to work. These Americans will be paid to take big brooms and sweep up the old job sheddings into big piles in Nebraska, that will then be covered with compost, and seeded with grass, so that hard working Midwestern families can have ski slopes to go to in the wintertime too.
I have a gun in my pocket right now. No, not really. Just kidding. Wait, no, I really do. Bang! Ha ha! Okay, just a joke, folks.
Back to business!
More words here. Look at 2011, 2010, 2009 speeches for ideas. Does anyone remember what I said back then, anyway? They could look it up, I suppose, but, you know, off the top of their heads, will they notice?
Though we may not agree on anything, it is vital that we still come together here, to try to find common ground, and speak in vague generalities, and make plans, because we know that none of the plans are going to actually go forward unless they have support from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, and why do I bother trying anymore, when all I really want to do is take a nap?
Last night, I had a dream that captures the enduring idea that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations, that our rights are wrapped up in the rights of others; and that well into our third century as a nation, which is kind of like a pig-in-a-blanket, if you think about it, with the 10th Amendment to the Constitution serving as a kind of hot syrup, and then I looked up, and I realized that I had been eating scrambled eggs with Justin Bieber in Panama all this time, who looked like a snake trying to put on a pair of gloves, which is why we, as citizens of these United States, must be be the authors of the next great chapter of our American story.
God bless you, and you, and you, and you, and every little last bit of America, though that’s what I asked for last year, too, and that didn’t work out too well, so this year, I’ll get a bit more ecumenical. Goddess, call down the Moon to America! May you find moksha in America! Praise for the teachings of Zarathustra! Ek Chuah in every pot! Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!
[Cue guitar solo.]