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The 6 Most Authentic Parts From The Internet of Things

6. Body Odor Status Updates

You didn’t have time to take a shower before rushing off to work this morning. Luckily, your shirt is connected to the Internet, and is woven out of fiber optics instead of cotton, so that it’s ready to pick up any hint of stink coming out of your armpits. The results are posted to Twitter, if they pass a certain threshold, just as a friendly warning.

5. The Internet of Lint

No longer need you worry about dust bunnies collecting in the guest bedroom that your picky Aunt Matilda is due to sleep in this weekend. Sensors located in the wainscoting will scan the corners on a daily basis, and send you email updates letting you know when it’s time to vacuum.

4. Maternal Spine Protector

You know the old saying, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back”? Well, now you won’t have to worry about dear old mum. The sidewalks will have electronic pressure plates installed near the seams, and will buzz a warning should your e-shoes approach them. At the same time, your mother will receive a text message, urging her to take an extra calcium supplement.

3. Remote Snorkeling Vacations

You’ve always wanted to go to the Great Barrier Reef to go swimming amongst the colorful fish and amazing coral formations. You don’t have the money to go yourself, though, and you’ve always been afraid of sharks. Don’t fret. The coral reefs have now been embedded with wi-fi microstations that are connected to a series of floating bioscanners. These will gather information about the locations of all the amazing animals in your preferred section of reef, and send you a twice-daily report of their behavioral patterns, displayed in aesthetically-pleasing infographics.

2. As You Speak Grammar Checker

Microsoft is expanding the grammar checker currently used in its Word software. Soon, the grammar checker will be included in the operating system of an armband pod that includes a microphone and an electric nodule pressed against the skin. The microphone will capture everything you say, and using speech recognition software, will analyze your sentences for grammatical errors. Every time you fail to conjugate a verb correctly, or indulge in a run-on sentence, you’ll receive a small electrical shock.

1. Realtime Stupid Thought Censor

Facebook has invented a small chip that can be implanted into the part of your brain that mediates between your linguistic formulation centers and the nerves that run to your mouth. Just a split second before words come out of your mouth, they will be transmitted into the data cloud, where they will be compared with a crowd-sourced database of the most idiotic things that have ever been said. A matching score will then be sent to your Google Glasses, and displayed as a colored dot that moves from green to red, to match the alarm you ought to feel about giving voice to the thoughts you were about to give voice to.

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