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My Own New York Exploratory Republican Presidential Preference Poll

Yesterday, I received a New York Voter Exploratory Republican Presidential Preference Polling Ballot in the mail. Why would I receive a presidential preference poll from the Republicans, when I’ve never voted for a Republican in my life? I suppose the GOP data bots were programmed to note that I’m a political independent, and bring me into their mailing list, under the presumption that I’m up for grabs.

I’ll play along, I thought, until I saw what the “poll” was asking for. At the end of the document, the Republican National Committee gave me two options to make my poll results authorized for submission. I could choose Option A: Donate an amount of money to the RNC, from $25 on up. But, if I didn’t want to make such a donation to the Republican Party, I could choose Option B: Donate $12, “to help process my poll”.

To help process my poll? Does it cost the Republican Party more than 12 dollars to pay someone to open an envelope, take a check out of it, put the check in a big pile of money to be deposited, and then throw the envelope and the poll in the garbage? That’s a 30-second job, tops, and we know that the Republican Party won’t pay more than minimum wage for someone to do even this level of processing. The cost is pennies per poll response.

It’s a fundraising letter, not a poll. Even if it was a poll, it would be a pretty poor one at that. It doesn’t enable people to enter any information except to check boxes next to a list of potential Republican presidential candidates in 2016, indicating whether the candidate is strongly favorable, favorable, unclear/no opinion, unfavorable, or strongly unfavorable. There’s no opportunity to identify reasons for favorability or unfavorability, much less to evaluate likely 2016 election issues.

But, what the heck. I’m going to take the plunge and create my very own New York Exploratory Republican Presidential Preference Poll, using the candidates suggested by the RNC and take it myself. Here goes…

gop 2016 pollGreetings, J. Clifford, we would like your opinion about the following potential Republican presidential candidates for the 2016 election. Please share, and don’t send any money, because we’re actually interested in your opinion, and don’t think that you should have to pay us for the privilege of having us listen to what you have to say. Write as much, or as little, about your thoughts about the following potential candidates as you would like.

- Sincerely, J. Clifford, President and sole member of the 2016 Independent Republican Evaluation Committee

Kelly Ayotte

I’ll admit that Kelly Ayotte has a telegenic presence, when she isn’t casually dismissing the needs of America’s working poor, who labor every day to help the wealthy to become more wealthy, but still aren’t able to pay for their own basic needs.

Ayotte’s willingness to throw working Americans under the bus in the name of fiscal responsibility might be understandable if she were not fighting tooth and nail to defend wasteful military spending.

Seeking to double the interest rates students pay on their college loans doesn’t help the Ayotte for President cause much, either.

Haley Barbour

I would say that former Mississippi governor Haley Barbour might have trouble with his legacy of abandoning Mississippi to attend a fundraising party in Washington D.C. while crude oil from the Deepwater Horizon spill assaulted his state’s coastline, but America has demonstrated a remarkable amnesia concerning its largest environmental disaster ever.

John Bolton

I don’t think that anyone ought to be disqualified from running for President simply because he is suffering from an infestation of lint on his upper lip.

I do think that Americans ought to think twice before electing anyone who has written a book with a title like “Surrender Is Not an Option” to become Commander In Chief… especially when that book is about the need to fight against the United Nations.

Jeb Bush

What would be the compelling message behind a presidential campaign by Jeb Bush? Does anyone really think that another dip into the gene pool that brought us George W. and George H.W. is a good idea?

Sure, he became Governor of Florida once upon a time, riding on the family coattails, but what has Jeb done lately? It’s been seven years since he held elected office, and since that time, he hasn’t managed to accomplish much, except to accept a job with Lehman Brothers shortly before it was exposed as one of the most corrupt financial organizations ever to exist.

Herman Cain

The most serious concern I have with Herman Cain is that the pizza made by his restaurant chain doesn’t agree with my stomach. I get a kind of acid reflux reaction just thinking of Godfather’s pizza.

I say that’s my most serious concern, because it’s difficult to take the idea of a Herman Cain for President in 2016 campaign as anything more than a joke. It’s not just that Cain has taken to using his 2012 campaign donor lists to send out advertisements about erectile dysfunction. Certainly, I wouldn’t disqualify Cain from running for President simply because he was exposed in 2012 as having a series of extramarital sexual affairs. That’s his own business.

Rather, my concern is that Cain has failed to upgrade his Nine-Nine-Nine program. Times have changed, and we need bigger numbers, Mr. Cain. If you won’t support Obama’s Ten-Ten plan to raise the minimum wage, then you need to raise the stakes with an Eleven-Eleven-Eleven-Eleven-Eleven plan.

Ben Carson

I have always enjoyed watching Ben Carson on reruns of Bonanza. I don’t know that acting gig qualifies him to be President, and he must be getting kind of old now, but hey, different strokes.

Chris Christie

Like a bridge over troubled waters…

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz has become a force to be reckoned with in the Republican Party by promoting discrimination against gays, and attempting to completely disable Medicare and Medicaid. He’s joined Kelly Ayotte in an effort to squeeze more money out of college students while protecting the financial interests of the super-rich. Cruz is best known, however, for leading congressional Republicans into forcing a shutdown of the federal government.

This unbalanced extremism will make Ted Cruz a person to watch in the 2016 election season.

Mitch Daniels

I like whiskey as much as the next guy.

Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich has earned the respect of everyone he has worked with. He offers a stark alternative to the shutdown politics of Ted Cruz, and is known for practicing what he preaches, especially in the arena of family values. Also, by becoming a host on a CNN political debate show, Gingrich is following the tried-and-true campaign path pioneered by former presidents Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee.

Nikki Haley

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley is using her power to try to stop workers in her state from organizing labor unions, opposes efforts to bring wasteful military spending out of control, refuses reasonable Freedom of Information Act requests. For me, Haley’s order to put South Carolina residents in jail as punishment for engaging in a legal protest is most troubling. What would Haley do to punish political dissidents if she had the power of the Oval Office?

Mike Huckabee

Yuckabee.

Bobby Jindal

Bobby Jindal somehow has failed to maneuver his collaboration with BP during the darkest days of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill disaster into a strong position within the Republican Party. I suppose Deepwater Horizon amnesia cuts both ways.

Peter King

As a fellow member of Peter King’s Hair Gel Club For Men, I support Congressman King’s candidacy for a role on a Discovery Channel reality TV show. He’s very flamboyant, but not a great choice for President.

Sarah Palin

The jokes about seeing Alaska from front porches have gotten old. If Sarah Palin won’t provide us with fresh material, I don’t think she deserves the Republican nomination in 2016.

Rand Paul

It’s not his fault that he’s named after the unhinged Ayn Rand. Senator Rand Paul truly has some good ideas, like opposing the National Security Agency system of ubiquitous electronic surveillance. He’s got a plagiarism scandal to weigh him down, corrupt links to lobbyists, and the same kind of creepy supporters that ruined the reputation of his father, but even with those drawbacks, Rand Paul may be the most sensible 2016 candidate the Republicans have to choose from.

Ron Paul

I’m still waiting for the jack-booted thugs to take over the United States using the Amero currency and the North American Superhighway. Until that happens, I’m happy to see Ron Paul continue to spend his retirement consorting with his white supremacist supporters.

Tim Pawlenty

I support Tim Pawlenty for President in 2016 because… yawn, I’m sorry, what was I saying?

Mike Pence

In 2010, Mike Pence swept the Value Voters Summit straw poll. This success led him to… nothing, really. As Governor of Indiana, Pence is focusing on a statewide prohibition of gay marriage and a campaign to kick the working poor of Indiana when they’re down. With priorities like these Mike Pence seems to be aiming for the endorsement of… Adolf Hitler?

Rick Perry

There are four reasons that I support Rick Perry for President of the United States in 2016. First, is his idea of leading Texas into secession from the United States. Second is his theocratic effort to use government power to promote Christianity. Third is his astonishingly powerful nearly effective campaign to keep his candidacy alive for a few states during the 2012 presidential election. Fourth is… uh… I can’t remember the fourth reason.

Rob Portman

Rob Portman has gained stature by using his office as United States Senator to promote football and Brillo pads. Portman is also known for voting to support legislation that enabled the growth of spying by the NSA against ordinary Americans.

What kind of political platform is that?

Marco Rubio

Like Portman, Senator Marco Rubio voted in favor of legislation that enabled the growth of NSA spying. Despite his own significant net worth, Rubio has voted to eliminate unemployment insurance. With nasty hard-line policies like these, Rubio once seemed like a shoe-in for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. However, Rubio seems to have been sabotaged from within the GOP, for the reason that he lacks sufficient anti-immigrant fury.

Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan proved his value as Vice Presidential candidate for Mitt Romney in 2012, helping Romney lead the Republicans into terrible rout. I suppose I can see the upside of that happening again in 2016.

Then again, I can’t see the upside of providing a platform to a politician who wants to destroy Medicare and enjoys having chats with plutocrats who send American jobs overseas.

Brian Sandoval

If Sandoval wants to run for President, he’s going to have to lose some weight first. Ooops. Wrong Sandoval.

I don’t understand how playing the trumpet qualifies him to be elected President of the United States.

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum makes me froth, the way his predictions are so accurate. In 2012, secular activists responded to Rick Santorum’s presidential campaign with a grassroots vomit network. Would we see the same in 2016?

John Thune

Not long ago, Senator John Thune gave his support to legislation that would have authorized imprisoning Americans without criminal charge. Before that, Thune voted to allow government spies to conduct surveillance against Americans without search warrants or other oversight.

How could a politician who cares so little for constitutional rights ever swear an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution.

Allen West

Allen West couldn’t even keep his seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. How he is supposed to effectively run for President in 2016 is beyond me.

Yet, the Republican National Committee is promoting Allen West as a potential presidential candidate. Is it because of Allen West’s longstanding support of the prohibition of mosques within the United States, and his assertion that religious tolerance is offensive?

——

Is this the best the RNC can do? If Donald Trump could be added to this poll, it would be complete.

4 comments to My Own New York Exploratory Republican Presidential Preference Poll

  • You forgot Martinez. I vote for Ron Paul. I like half of his principles. More than any of the others.

  • Dave

    This is funny stuff. Looking forward to your take on Democrats in the running. It’s easy to find this kind of kitsch on Republican champions, but the Dems are ripe for this as well. Could we start with the do-nothing incompetent Hillary being in the pocket of Goldman-Sachs?

    I say throw the bums out, vote independent/third party and never throw either major party your support unless you want the same old same old.

    • J Clifford

      Korky, to be honest, I didn’t have time to cover all of the candidates on the “poll”. I left out the small timers.

      Dave, I agree that the prospective Democratic Party candidates have problems. There aren’t as many of them, though, as there are with the Republicans. Also, the Democrats haven’t sent me a fake poll listing them in the mail, as the Republicans have.

      Honestly, the dominance of Hillary Clinton and the failure of Democratic Party politicians to challenge the rightward shift of their party under Obama, makes the Democratic race a much less interesting subject than the Republican race in 2016.

      With Hillary Clinton, I don’t think accusations of a do-nothing record or incompetence will stick. Hillary Clinton is not lazy or a ditz. Accusations of corruption and of her collaboration with Republicans on terrible policies like NSA spying and the invasion of Iraq are much more likely to stick.

  • Some progressive Democrats, rather than do the reasonable thing and bolt to my Green Party in large numbers, will try a stop-Hillary movement.

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