Lisa Haven of Pakalert Press has published revelations that blow the cover off the Great Lakes arts community. It’s a genuine conspiracy that stands out among the long record of failed predictions and weird paranoia that typically characterizes Pakalert publications.
Haven’s research has uncovered evidence of a secret plan by the leadership of a museum to use the power of art to lower the human population in the Detroit area, in the Great Lakes region, and perhaps even within the United States in general.
It’s been widespread knowledge that the population of Detroit has gone down dramatically over the last five years. That population reduction has coincided with a struggle over the Detroit Institute of Arts, with local politicians seeking to keep the museum under city ownership and fully stocked with its artifacts and paintings. What had not been imagined until now is that the debate over DIA funding may in fact be a proxy battle between those who seek to accelerate depopulation, and those who believe that our nation’s strength is derived from its ability to cram large numbers of human beings into small areas of land.
Lisa Haven’s headline warns us of “Huge News! DIA Video Admits Agenda to Depopulate Now in Effect!” According to her sources, the Detroit Institute of Arts is the epicenter of a conspiracy to reduce human population levels.
But how, you may ask, can an art museum cause depopulation?
It’s simple, really. Just think of the typical teenage art student… morose… bored with the banality of ordinary existence… looking deeper for something more inspiring than the old cliches of family life… wearing unattractive, baggy clothing… unclean. They skulk around, feeling like misunderstood geniuses. Ennui, existential crisis and clove cigarettes aren’t correlated with a high rate of breeding are they?
It all begins to make sense when you consider that… hold on… Oh.
It turns out that Lisa Haven was actually writing about how the Defense Intelligence Agency, not the Detroit Institute of Arts, has been engaging in a depopulation program. Well, that’s hardly plausible, is it?