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Draft Version Of Apple Earth Day Press Release


Not for release: Plausibility Committee, please review.

Tomorrow is Earth Day, a day when corporations around the world pretend to care about panda bears, the climate, and yoga. This year, we at Apple are aiming higher. In the spirit of transparency, we are going to admit to you that, although we know that dealing with climate change is important, making big profits matters more. That’s why, for Earth Day 2014, we are announcing the decision to keep on shipping our products to you all the way from our outsourced factories in China, because paying workers as little as we can is part of the Apple corporate culture. We’re confident that you see things our way, because trees are nice, and fair pay sounds nice in the abstract, but showing off a product with the Apple logo at an affordable price makes you feel the thrill of being “creative”.

Carbon on!

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Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?

Fight the Republican beast!