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Gay Marriage Causes Plague of Beets!

Irregular Times writer Peregrin Wood has recently written some articles examining the differences between states in the USA that have legalized same-sex marriage, and states where the practice remains prohibited. This week, for instance, he has described statistics that he says indicate that residents in states where same-sex marriage is legal do not seem particularly eager to move away from their new gay and lesbian married neighbors.

I like Peregrin. Peregrin is a friend of mine. However, I am in possession of some information that exposes a fatal flaw in Peregrin’s apparent conclusion that legalization of same-sex marriage is just a harmless bit of “progress”.

It has to do with beets.

The Census of Agriculture was released by the U.S. Department of Agriculture this week. It shows, quite clearly, that the legalization of same-sex marriage has caused a torrent of beets that is shockingingly reminiscent of Biblical accounts of plagues of locusts set upon the wicked rulers of the Egyptian empire.

immoral beetsThe Census shows that, in 2012, states that ban same-sex marriage produced an average harvest of beets of just 170.5 acres per state. States with legal same-sex marriage, on the other hand, produced a much larger harvest of beets: An average of 429.5 acres of beets per state.

Just imagine what 429.5 acres of beets must look like. Scary, right?

In New York State, the state legislature passed a law legalizing same sex marriage in 2011. Wouldn’t you know it, the very next year, beet production skyrocketed. New York went from 2,173 acres of beets before legalization of same-sex marriage to 3,372 acres of beets after legalization.

Liberals may think I’m being bigoted in pointing this out, but I’m just talking about the facts. You can’t blame me for saying that gay people getting married are ruining life for the rest of us by unleashing a flood of salaciously purple root vegetables that nobody really wants to eat in the first place. I’m merely serving as an objective observer in pointing out this inconvenient truth.

4 comments to Gay Marriage Causes Plague of Beets!

  • Jim Cook

    That’s not true. My wife likes to eates beets.

    Heyyyyy…

    • J Clifford

      you see, the gay people are already wrecking your marriage, replacing your wife’s moral fiber with anything goes plant fibers.

      • Jim Cook

        Moral fiber has been replaced by high fiber in her diet. Nutrition for the body but not the soul. Alas, alack.

      • Bill

        Must clean laptop screen (and stop reading IT while eating fudgesicles).

        F.G. has put me in a helluva position here. I am a proud, unrepentant beetophobe. Dinner is between one steak and one potato. God said it, I believe it, and that settles it.

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