Like the Rev. Irwin Baxter, Pastor John Hagee just can’t stay away from the Christian End Times. In 1999, Hagee was quoted in the Washington Times (“End-times believers hedge apocalypse bets; Dramatic forecasts now hard to find,” Larry Witham, 12/9/99) as saying that “we are obviously in the last days.” In his high-selling 1999 book From Daniel to Doomsday (still #72 on the Amazon Prophecy list), Hagee wrote that “The literal translation of Daniel 12:4 indicates that during the end times, an explosion of knowledge will occur. We are living in that generation.” A generation lasts about 20 years. Does that mean we have only 5 years left to live? Or do we have even less than that?
Pastor Hagee has seemingly answered that question with his latest long, drawn out sermon:
You needn’t suffer through 2 hours when we can get right to the point. According to Hagee, there are four “blood moons” between April 2014 and October 2015, and that means “something big is coming”:
“The Bible speaks of signs in the Heavens that have been discovered and recorded by NASA that you yourself can find on Google on the Internet. The coming four Blood Moons points to a world-shaking event that will happen between April 2014 and October 2015. What does it mean? What is the prophetic significance? Is this the end of the age?
“Just as in biblical times, God is controlling the sun, the moon, and the stars to send our generation a signal that something big is about to happen.”
“A world-shaking event” is on its way. “Something big is about to happen.” What is this big thing that is about to happen?
That Old Cowboy Movie with Dean Martin? No way. Dean Martin wasn’t big any more in 1969 when “Something Big” was made, and it isn’t even in Netflix’s database.
Big Bird? Also improbably. Big Bird was happening for a bit longer than Dean Martin, but was already kind of old by 1974.
Big Audio Dynamite? Closer, but still no dice. Mid-80s.
Big Data? Already here.
A large bowel movement? Taking a look at Hagee’s girth, I imagine this is within the realm of possibility, but most people are private about that sort of thing.
It turns out that John Hagee himself has shared the uncomfortable truth with us all, snuck into that uncomfortanble 2-hour-long video:
“God is literally screaming at the world, ‘I’m coming soon.’”
Not figuratively — literally. Lean out the window; can you hear the voice? Someone ought to fetch the greatest conceivable tissue right quick.