In his 2011 treatise Why the Epidemic? Bring Me My Pants, Dr. Marzo Angeli of the Krans Fripkin Institute taps into various streams of evidence to track a stark rise in mental disorders in the apparel sector over the past 15 years. Although Dr. Angeli finds the identification of this trend to be a simple matter, a search for the ultimate cause of the trend is more vexsome:
“It remains unclear whether the absolute prevalence of mental illness in textiles, clothing and apparel more generally is so high and so starkly climbing due to a natural increase, an environmental effect or biological determininsm. Are we to suppose that such an increase is reflective of the inner quality of fabric or the structural arrangement of stable swatches in an unstable pattern? In an atmosphere of heightened sensitivity, are we learning to better recognize mental illness in our clothing that may have always been there? Or is this ‘sickness’ in the eye of the beholder? Have we expanded our definintion to the point that any item in our drawers can be diagnosed if examined thoroughly? If so, what clothing is truly well?”
A typical relationship in the unstable textile community is described by ASOS Marketplace, a venue for transfer of clothing items. ASOS characterizes its interactions with Borderline Apparel as “quick, very happy :-).” Clearly the two entities are enjoying that first phase.
Is mental illness in clothing actually on the rise? A thorough review of uncited evidence reveals a jagged red line trending upward across unclearly labeled categories and a number of horizontal lines. However, contrasting charts exhibit a blue background, indicating that further study is clearly warranted.
Contacted for further comment on his theory at his Upper East Side apartment, Dr. Angeli refered us to his business agent, who explained that:
“Adaptive visions embody a fine-grained target with holistic differentiators enabling top-level emerging and efficient workflows past any unforseen gatekeepers. Incentivized momentums will further enhance end-to-end solutions.”
For further context on the scale of the problem, consider that:
* In a survey of 167 pairs of socks in a suburban Westchester shopping mall, approximately 98.156% refused comment.
* Most articles of clothing experience being stretched in their first use. More clothing is stressed in an outside environment. To avoid these effects, do not wash clothing, wear clothing or remove clothing from its original packaging.
* This article contains confidential information intended only for [Recipient]. If you are not [Recipient] you are notified that reading this message obligates you to refrain from disclosing, discussing, or distributing this message while wearing clothing that may or may not consider this message to be a defamatory statement. Void where prohibited and not void where not prohibited. All forms of further communication regarding this message are expressly prohibited. If verification of the contents of this message is required please request a hard-copy version from our communications department.
* A passenger train leaves Grand Central Station at 10:30 AM in a north-northeasterly direction. Until 11:15 AM, it travels at 30 miles an hour. At 11:15 AM, the train conductor accelerates the train at rate of +2 miles an hour per minute. Whether or not this train overtakes an automobile driving due north on I-90, both the train and the automobile are likely to contain clothing.
* 4 out of 5 anonymous doctors agreed with the statement “for a $100 gift card I am willing to say anything you want.”
* 2 out of 10 words in this sentence are numbers.
* The average class size in an American school district is positively correlated with the number of shoes per class characterized as “feeling dirty.”